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Today's jokes [3.16.12]

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A farmer comes home with a lively young bull. His two old bulls
have fallen on sad days. He's letting them hang around for old
times' sake. The minute the new bull is put into the pasture,
he starts servicing the cows. At about the fourth cow, one of
the old bulls starts to paw the ground and snort. The other asks,
"Why are you doing that?"
The old bull answers, "I don't want him to think I'm one of these cows!"

1. 




Diary Entries

AUG. 12   Moved to our new home in Ohio.  It is so beautiful here.  The
hills are so majestic.  I can hardly wait to see them with snow covering
them.  I love it here.

OCT. 14   Ohio is the most beautiful place on Earth.  The leaves are turned
all the colors and shades of red and orange.  Went for a ride through the
beautiful hills and saw some deer.  They are so graceful, certainly they
are the most wonderful animal on Earth.  This must be paradise.  I love it
here.

NOV. 11   Deer season will start soon.  I can't imagine anyone wanting to
kill such a gorgeous creature.  Hope it will snow soon,  I love it here.

DEC. 2  It snowed last night.  Woke up to find everything blanketed in
white.  It looks like a postcard.  We went outside and cleaned the snow off
the steps and shoveled the driveway.  We had a snowball fight (I won), and
when the snowplow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again.  What a
beautiful place.  I love Ohio. 

DEC. 12  More snow last night.  I love it.  The snowplow did his trick
again to the driveway.  I love it here.

DEC. 19  More snow last night.  Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to
work.  I am exhausted from shoveling.  Fucking snowplow.

DEC. 22  More of that white shit fell last night.  I've got blisters on my
hands from shoveling.  I think the snowplow hides around the corner and
waits till I'm done shoveling.  Asshole.

DEC. 25  Merry Fucking Christmas!  More friggen snow.  If I ever get my
hands on that sonofabitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll kill the
bastard.  Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the
fucking ice.

DEC. 27  More of that White Shit last night.  Been inside for 3 days except
for shoveling out the driveway after that snowplow goes through every time.
 Can't go anywhere, cars stuck in a mountain of that White Shit.  The
weatherman says to expect another 10" of the shit again tonight.  Do you
know how many shovels full 10" of snow is?

DEC. 28  The fucking weatherman was Wrong.  We got 34" of that white shit
this time.  At this rate it won't melt before the middle of next summer. 
The snowplow got stuck up the road and that bastard came to the door and
asked to borrow my shovel.  After I told him I had broken six shovels
already shovelling the white shit he pushed into my driveway, I broke my
last one right over his Fuckin' Head!

JAN. 4  Finally got out of the house today.  Went to the store to get food
and on the way back damned deer ran out in front of the car and I hit it. 
Did about $3000.00 worth of damage to the car.  Those fucking beasts should
be killed.  Wished the hunters had got them all last November.

MAY 3  Took the car to the garage in town.  Would you believe the
motherfucker is rusting out from all the goddamn salt they put on the
roads?

MAY 10  Moved to Florida.  I can't imagine anyone in their right mind
wanting to live in the God-forsaken state of Ohio.

2. 




So the elephant says to the naked man . . .

"You breathe through that little thing?" 

3. 




How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van?

Promote one and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass.

4. 




A blonde named Vikki decides she wants to try horseback 
riding one day. So Vikki mounts the horse, taps its butt, 
and the horse starts to take off at a reasonable speed. She 
is having fun, and decides she wants to go a little faster, 
so she kicks the horses butt, and the horse goes just a 
little faster. All of a sudden Vikki begins to lose her 
grip on the reigns of the horse and she begins to fall off, 
she starts screaming but the horse seemingly unoticing its 
rider continues... Now Vikki is grabbing on the the horses 
mane when she beigns to feel tired and her grip starts to 
fail. The blond lets go of the horses mane, only to get her 
foot caught in the saddle. So now she is riding along, the 
horse unnoticing and Vikki's head is beating against the 
ground over, and over, and over. She almost loses 
conscience when the Wal-Mart manager runs out and turns off 
the horse.

Sent by Marge

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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