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Today's jokes [3.12.12]

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A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall 
that says, "$500 if we fail to fill your order." 
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly 
writes down his order and walks into the kitchen. Almost immediately he 
hears an explosion of voices. 
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen and up to the 
customer's table. He slaps down five $100 bills in front of the man. 
"You got me this time, buddy," he says, "but I want you to know this -- 
that's the first time in 10 years we've been out of rye bread." 


1. 




   An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
   It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor
   arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year
   old child.
   
   The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see
   while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the
   mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new
   born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take
   his first breath.
   
   "Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there
   in the first place!!"
   


2. 




   A Guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, "I bet $50 that
   no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."
   
   The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old
   guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and
   starts playing the guitar. The octopus' owner pockets the fifty bucks.
   
   The next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens
   up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy
   hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus' owner.
   
   The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back,
   coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.
   He puts them on the bar and says to the guy, "Now if your octopus can
   play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."
   
   The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over,
   and has another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus'
   owner comes up and says, "What are you pissing around for? Hurry up
   and play the damn thing !"
   
   The octopus says, "Play it ? If I can figure out how to get it's
   pajama's off, I'm gonna fuck it! "
   


3. 




A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.
The officer wants to ask her a few questions.... 
Officer: What's 2+2? 
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4! 
Officer: What's the square root of 100? 
Blonde: Ummmm... 10! 
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? 
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno. 
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. 
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she 
got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm 
already working on a murder case!"

4. 




                      Are You About to Employ a Robot?
     
   
This test was written by ME, Roger Carasso, for the UCB  Psychology
Department.   It  is  intended  to be used by companies  that  are
recruiting on campus.  With this test you can determine whether an
applicant you are interviewing is a Robot,  a Vulcan/Math MAjor,  or a
Liberal Arts major.

       Tear off here, and administer test below to students
                 ----------------------------------

 Answer Questions by circling the appropriate subjective choice.

1.   If stranded on a deserted island, I would want _____
          0) Shakespeare  1) Math books   2) Fluid oil

2.   If I could have any job, I would be a _____
          0) writer  1) professor    2) McDonald's employee

3.   On weekends, I go to _____
          0) The beach    1) The library  2) goto 10

4.   My favorite hobby is _____
          0) Poetry  1) Open math problems     2) memorizing

5.   I have taken ______ English classes.
          0) Many    1) Enough to communicate  2) fori=1to++x10goto10

6.   What is the quickest way to solve 2X+4=2?
          0) Ask a Vulcan      1) In my head   2) Brute force with
                                               Cray 2 Supercomputer

7.   What have you learned in school that you value the most?
          0) Latin   1) How to operate my HP-28C  2) Complex Analysis

8.   In between classes, I like to _____
          0) Talk with my friends   1)  Study proofs  2) Add numbers on
                                                      my calculator

9.   When I have a report due, I type it on_____
          0) My manual typewriter
          1) The school's word processor
          2) My calculator and then upload it to a PC at 50 baud


10.  Since coming to the University, I have gained many _____
          0) Friends      1) Books   2) Calculator manuals

11.  The best use of a computer is _____
          0) A door stop    1) Graphing functions  2) Friends

12.  When I go to a restaurant, I usually get _____
          0) A hamburger  1) A twinkie    2) Thrown out

13.  What part of speech is "interface"?
          0) A noun  1) A noun and a verb   2) Not enough data

14.  What do you consider to be paradise?
          0) Total happiness   1) Total knowledge   2) Two calculators

15.  What type of music do you like?
          0) Popular music     1) Classical music   2) Static noise

16.  What is your favorite game?
          0) Monopoly     1) Chess   2) Data entry races

17.  My favorite Movie show is _____
          0) Ruthless People   1) Star Trek II      2) Short Circuit

18.  If I had to know an equation on a test, I would _____
          0) Write it on my arm
          1) Derive it during test
          2) Memorize it with flash cards all day for weeks

19.  The person I marry must have_____
          0) Beauty  1) Intelligence      2) An RS232 serial port

20.  What I fear the most is _____
          0) Death   1) Emotions     2) Water

--------------------------------

Results: Simply add up the values of all your answers and look at
the following table.

00-14  Liberal Arts
15-20  Vulcan/Math Major
21-40  Robot!!!
  


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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