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Today's jokes [3.11.12]

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What is the difference between the government and the Mafia?


                                         One of them is organized.

1. 




A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't 
usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty 
woman is the driver so he goes back to help. As he is hooking his truck to 
her car he says, "You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever 
helped out of a ditch".
"But I'm not pregnant," she says.
"Well you're not out of the ditch yet," he says.

2. 




Q: Why do cavemen drag women by the hair instead of ankles?
A: So they don't fill up with rocks!!!


3. 




he Twelve Politically-Correct Days of Christmas



     On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter
       festival, my acquaintance-rape survivor gave to me,

TWELVE    males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual
          drumming,

ELEVEN    pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made
          up of members in good standing of the Musicians
          Equity Union as called for in their union contract
          even though they will not be asked to play a note...),

TEN       melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the
          patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE      persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT     economically disadvantaged female persons stealing
          milk-products from enslaved bovine-Americans,

SEVEN     endangered swans swimming on federally protected
          wetlands,

SIX       enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman
          animal products,

FIVE      golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced
          domestic incarceration,

 (Note: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened
  to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French
  hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native
  habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the
  remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR      hours of recorded whale songs,

THREE     deconstructionist poets,

TWO       Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed
          tree carcasses,

...And a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.



4. 




Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or 
an airline stewardess?

A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're 
going to have to do this over and over
again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this 
over your mouth and nose, and breath
normally."

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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