Today's Jokes  |  Archives  |  Lists  |  Random  |  Register  |  RandJoke on Your Page  
 


Today's jokes [3.10.12]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.


An old lady lived by herself in a small house in a small 
town.  One day she went to the local grocery store and while 
she was gone a criminal broke into her house, took her 
clothes off of the line, smashed the watermellons in her 
garden, shaved her cat and then left when he couldn't find 
any money.  Well, a couple of hours later the old laty got 
home and when she saw what had happened to her house she 
immediately called the police. When the officer on the other 
end answered the phone and asked her what the problem was 
she simply replied "yes officer someone broke into my house, 
took my clothes off, squeezed my melons, and shaved my 
pussy.

Sent by BIG GUY

1. 




What does an elephant keep up its trunk?

A Yard 'n' half o' snot!


2. 




                            Satanic Barney Proof
     
   
 Given: Barney is a CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
 Prove: Barney is satanic

         The Romans had no letter 'U', and used 'V' instead for
         printing, meaning the Roman representation would for
         Barney would be: CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

         CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

         Extracting the Roman numerals, we have:
         CV    V  L  DI    V

         And their decimal equivalents are:
         100 5 5 50 500 1 5

         Adding those numbers produces: 666.

         666 is the number of the Beast.

 Proved: BARNEY IS SATAN!

                                          oI=vo
                                        ?/$="'"  """^SATAN$~\
                                      .&?/'              `""$$,
                                    ,/?/'       /-"^\.   .-=~\T,
                                  ,/?/'        /SATAN|  |\IS,&'    |LT
               `\?\\      ``\?\^I/HATE@:~:$=v\.    `$k==v\.??\,         `\d `\$
$'9P'I-LOVE=SATAN\/$$~?$\     ,R/
  /$?~^'"""""`"\\&&< ?b               "`~$P:c: /v==v,#::?<<&:'T|   d$/'
  [|:.             ""=o/&.                ,P    o&Z'`'.##| |MH\|| ,$$'
  `=:$H&=\.           `"b?b.             .&'    96*.-v.:?/`\==$&?$&*'
       `^$?\.           `*&*\\          ,P       ?~-~'      |$$S>'
          `\7b           ,T/\&&\.      d?                    |T'
            \/b         .&J'  `\>     d'                      T,
             &`L        /||          ?|                        ?,
             ||9       J\T           H                          ?,
              H||     ||/           ||                           9,
              ||M     PJ'           ||                           `H
               bT,   ||T            ||                            ||
               T/L   H||            `b                             M
                &T,  M|              9,                            9
                `L9, M|              `&.                           |
                 `?*,9||              `b                           d
                  `\?(|H.              `b                          ?b
                   `*\ `&.              `\.                       J*|b
                     `\o/\.              `&.                     ,P 9/L
                        9:&.              `9\                   ??  `H9.
                         *?9\               `b                .&'    |/|
                          `|`\.              `L             ./'      `|H
                          d\/qZbo.            M          .,='        ,|T
                 ./~&$$?=??/' `"=H$|          H       .o=''          J\|
                ,*/''  `\?        `'        ./?ov=="*b9,            ,$P
               ,Td                         ,$$'`'    ?|M           ,$/
               J||                       ,$?/         M||         ?$/
               M||         |>\.     .,~9$''          T||        d'M.
               9`|         `Hi:R&:&&6&="'           ./$J|       `^"\Z\.
               ||M          `=Z\:""                 H|T"            `&H&>v
                bT,    ..   v,?|\                   M||               .:Z|&\.
                ||H  DEATH~>TO9H|                  `?*\              ?$`#'H
                 9ALL|1KIDS*  .$/                    `bZ&\       ,o\&KILL&/'
                  \?$.:?ooo/*""'                       `\$$b   |\MAIM*:./'
                   `"""'  `'                              `~?&qDESTROY#/'
  


3. 




why did Santa Anna bring only 4000 troops to the Alamo?

he only had 2 cars.

4. 




Mr. John Hinkley St. Elizabeth Hospital Washington D.C. 

Dear John, 

Hillary and I just wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased 
we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. 
In our country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you 
to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness. 
Therefore, we want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for 
shooting President Reagan. We are well aware of how mental stress and pain 
could have driven you to such an act of desperation. 
Hillary and I are confident you will soon make a complete recovery, and 
return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive 
citizen. 

Best wishes, 

Bill Clinton President United States of America 

P.S. Just thought you might like to know, Ken Starr is fucking Jodie 
Foster.

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.

But wait! Don't forget to read

Today's Stories
Today's Poems
Today's Quotes
Today's Funny Pic

 March '12 Jokes Issues:
S  M  T  W  Th F  St
            1  2  3  
4  5  6  7  8  9  10 
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 
18 19 20 21 22 23 24 
25 26 27 28 29 30 31 

Jump to  



For any questions or comments email us at info@jokes2go.com
Copyright© SpekGY, Inc, 1998-2016. All rights reserved.