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Today's jokes [3.1.12]

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Noah And Today's Ark


The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going
to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and
all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good
people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering
you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered
the specifications for the ark.

"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the
blueprints, "I'm your man."

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You
better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long
time!"

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began
to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in
his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt
crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there
were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for
the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code.
So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into
a long argument with him about whether to include a
fire-sprinkler system."

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning
ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get
a variance from the city planning board."

"Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and
Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but
they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls."

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an
animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of
each kind."

"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I
couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact
statement on your proposed flood.  They didn't take kindly to the
idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme
Being."

"Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood
plan. I sent them a globe!"

"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire."

"The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to
leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I
owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the
ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy
the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord, "the government already has."

1. 




How do we know that the "Toothbrush" was invented in West Virginia? 

   - Had it been invented anywhere else it would have been called a "Teethbrush". 

2. 




An old sailor goes to a brothel,
where he chooses his girl and begins.
"How am I doing?" He asks.
"Three knots," she replies.
"Three knots? What's that mean?"
"You're not hard, you're not in,
and you're not getting your money back."

3. 




Woman: Two *Achoo!* tickets, please. 
Clerk: Have you purchased tickets here before? 
Woman: *cough* No. 
Clerk: Then I need your address. 
Woman: Okay. It's 260..*AHEM* Sorry..Laryngitis... 
Clerk: You'll have to spell that one for me.

4. 




Tombstone Epitaph in Memory of an accident in a 
Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:

Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.



5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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