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Today's jokes [2.8.12]

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   If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
   strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear
   and a superman cape.
   It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a
   20 by 20 foot room
   When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too
   late
   Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
   A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36
   year old man says they can only do it in the movies
   If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it
   does not leak - it explodes
   A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4
   inches deep
   Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
   Super glue is forever
   McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know
   No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't
   walk on water
   Pool filters do not like Jello
   VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
   they do
   Always look in the oven before you turn it on
   The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5 minute response time
   The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
   It will however make cats dizzy
   Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy


1. 




An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was 
greeted by a much younger salesman.  "Is there something in 
particular I can show you?" he asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."

"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.

"Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted.  "All I want is 
an occasional piece in the living room!"

2. 




A guy approaches a prostitute on the street and asks her, "how much?" she 
replies, "$100 if I lay down and $75 if I stand up." He asks what the 
difference is, and she tells him, "it's my hairdresser's fee!"

3. 




An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest 
in his paintings on display at that time. 

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good 
news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and 
wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When 
I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad 
news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

4. 




To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells 
her it'll make her fat. "I won't do it any more, Mom," says the daughter. 
Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. "If I bite my 
fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mom?" "You'll be fatter than 
that," says her mother. They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a 
very pregnant lady. The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's 
belly. The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this 
stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl, "Excuse me, 
but do you know me?" And the little girl says, "No, but I know what you've 
been doing..."

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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