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Today's jokes [2.5.12]

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In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the
middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the
delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern
and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the
lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern,
lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do
ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

1. 




A Guide to the Identification and Classification of North American Farts

Learning- or better still, thinking up- names for fart types is a
traditional early-adolescent ritual. Similarly, methods of identifying
the source of a fart are a subject of peer-group, or tribal,
speculation, the usual rule of thumb being "Who smelled it, dealt it,"
or "The smeller's the feller."

Occasionally, this oral tradition has acheived the level of Xerox
publication, but never before has a systematic analysis, along the lines
of Jane's Fighting ships or A Field Guide to the Birds, been attempted
in print. Tentatively, then, we present the following.



Blind Farts:  Traditional noiseless reekers. (Expression since circa
1880 - see also "SBD's").

Boomers:  Full-throated, rousing explosions; the parent orginism
frequently betrays his or her authorship with a smile of ill-conceled
pride.

Carpet Creepers:  Heavier- than- air creations, these linger and
permeate the atmosphere at or near ground level; source invariably
anonymous, having left the room.

Fizzles: Efforts at first promising, but eventually unsatisfactory, at
least to the donor; often effective upon bystanders. Often the last of a
series; originator betrays disappointment.

Fudgies: See Wet Ones.

One-Cheek Sneaks: Attempted surreptitous contributions, usually
signified BY the the artist's "tilting". Ricocheting off metal "bridge
chairs" or church pews, they posses satisfactory resonance, produce
blushes, giggles, glares.


Poohs:  Open-spincter donations, gusty and full-bodied, but lacking
sonority; popular on buses; customarily unaknowledged.

SBD's:  (Silent But Deadly  type).  Consistant with the Law of
Conservation of Energy, what SBD lacks in audible qualities is
compensated for in a semi-lethal olfactory intensity. The mechanism
responsible is usually the innocent-looking  person glancing about
suspiciously.

Screamers:  High-pitched, tight-spincter offerings, often of astonishing
duration and tonal variations; most pleasuribly exchanged among roomates
or frat brothers, or inspired by presence of officious bureaucrat.

Sliders:  See One-Cheek Sneaks.

Squeegies: Small, immature, and moist products. Humiliating for all
concerned.

Wet Ones: (aka Brewer's Farts, Fudgies, Playing Misty). Samples are
accompnied by gutteral, rasping, or lisping sound, indicating vaporous
content. Originator registers astonishment, dred, then departs, walking
funny.

Whiffers: see Poohs.



2. 




In a similar vein, tell your victim that you have a test of coordination
you would like him to try with you.  Find a door with a fairly large crack
between the door and the wall when the door is open.  (You know, over by
the hinges; across the width of the door from the doorknob...)  You need an
egg (NOT hard-boiled), and a wood floor (you don't want the egg cracking on
carpeting, do you??).  Now, have your victim get on the opposite side of
the door from you, and put 2 fingers through the door.  Hand him the egg,
in those two fingers.  Working with him, trade the egg back and forth a
couple of times, moving UP the door frame.  After you have his confidence,
leave.  He will be trapped there, holding this egg by two fingers through
the door.  If he lets go and nobody takes the egg, it will crash to the
floor.  Best to do in the person's own room.



3. 




Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book    - The Sex Life of the Elephant
                 or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book   - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book     - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and
                     culture
                 or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
The American book  - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book  - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Greek book     - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finnish book   - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book    - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book     - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went
                     With His Elephants
The Canadian book  - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book   - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.


4. 




How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?

They had reservations.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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