Today's jokes [2.29.12]
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*Question: What is one horsepower?
*Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one
*You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you
don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
*Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
*The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
*When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they
broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
*When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say
they are orbiting.
*Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
*While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only
*Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
*South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
*Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the
*Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing
and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
*A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
*There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them
all means living forever.
*There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much
population stomping around up there these days.
*Lime is a green-tasting rock.
*Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
*Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
*Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
*Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother
*Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out
*We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of
things people forget to put the top on.
*To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that
are still all mixed up.
*In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
*Clouds are high flying fogs.
*I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the
*Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to
*Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
*Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
*We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
*Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
*Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
*In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
*Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
*A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
*A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
*A monsoon is a French gentleman.
*Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
*Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
*It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
*The wind is like the air, only pushier.
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out
with the boys on Wednesday nites, and so does she.
A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband
liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the
husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that
morning and took a nap.
While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was
not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the
boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside
the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says,
"Reading my book."
The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area
and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied,
"But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and
write you up!"
Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady
told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."
The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't
even touch you."
To which the lady replied, "Yes; but you have all the
After insulting the female genie from the magic bottle, Carlos makes
"To wake up with 3 women in my bed."
She says, "So be it!" and disappears back into the bottle.
The next morning, Carlos wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding
and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken and he has
no health insurance.
If women don't fool around, and men do fool around, who
are the men fooling around with?
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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