Today's jokes [2.24.12]

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While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman 
who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his 
hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, 
the executive found himself unable to perform.

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the
bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair 
curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through 
a movie magazine.

Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. 
Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of 
a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"

A few years  ago some members of the  infamous Dartmouth Outing Club pushed
an  occupied  one-seat outhouse off  its  foundations,  onto its door.  The
victim tried in vain for a  few minutes to roll the  entire building onto a
different side, but soon gave up, as it was too heavy.  She then was forced
to climb out through the seat, and over the pit  near the bottom (now side)
of the outhouse.

The followup  to this episode   was that some  `friends'  seized me  in the
middle of the night and tied my feet in a noose  suspended in a tree.   But
that's another story.

   There's a guy hitchiking along the highway, when along comes an
   18-wheeler. It pulls up, and comes to a grinding halt. The hitcher
   runs to the truck, reaches up, opens the door and jumps in. Inside the
   truck is the driver, and beside him is his pet monkey.
   
   "Great lookin' monkey, mate" said the hitcher.
   
   "Yeah, he's great company, and he looks after you as well. Take a look
   at this."
   
   Without further ado, the truckie winds up, and punches the monkey in
   the guts with all his might. The monkey dutifully bends down, unzips
   the truckie's fly, goes down and gets to work on the truckie at a
   vigorous pace. Once the captain of the Kenworth has unloaded his cargo
   all over the cabin, the monkey wipes him off, zips up his master's fly
   and sits back down in his seat in the cabin.
   
   "That's GREAT!!!" says the by now quite interested hitchiker. "Can I
   have a go??"
   
   The truckie looks across and replies, "Yeah sure, why not?"
   
   "There's only one thing though" says the hitcher.
   
   "What?"
   
   "There's no need to smack me in the guts so hard."
   

What's the difference between a whale and a dyke? 

     Oh, about ten pounds, and a plaid shirt. 

"Dear Reyer School, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your 
recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county 
home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone 
thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me 
listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. 
It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, so naturally I told 
her to go fuck herself.

             Sincerely,
             Edna Johnston" 

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