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Today's jokes [2.20.12]

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A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious
to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his
office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone
and spoke into it," I am sorry, but my workload is so tremendous
that I am not going to be able to look into your problem for at
least a month. I shall have to get back to you then." He then turned
to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for
you?" "Nothing," replied the man. "I am here to hook up your phone."


1. 




His And Hers ATMs

HIS: 
1. Pull up to ATM 
2. Insert card 
3. Enter PIN number and account 
4. Take cash, card and receipt 

HER: 
1. Pull up to ATM 
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 
3. Shut off engine 
4. Put keys in purse 
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine 
6. Hunt for card in purse 
7. Insert card 
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written 
on it.
9. Enter PIN number 
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. 
11. Hit "cancel" 
12. Re-enter correct PIN number 
13. Check balance 
14. Look for envelope 
15. Look in purse for pen 
16. Make out deposit slip 
17. Endorse checks 
18. Make deposit 
19. Study instructions 
20. Make cash withdrawal 
21. Get in car 
22. Check makeup 
23. Look for keys 
24. Start car 
25. Check makeup 
26. Start pulling away 
27. STOP 
28. Back up to machine 
29. Get out of car 
30. Take card and receipt 
31. Get back in car 
32. Put card in wallet 
33. Put receipt in checkbook 
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 
36. Check makeup 
37. Put car in reverse gear
38. Put car in drive 
39. Drive away from machine 
40. Travel 3 miles 
41. Release parking brake

2. 




Why you should learn to use algebra . . . 



After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can be
reached of the secret to wealth and success.
Here it goes.

     Knowledge is Power
     Time is Money and as every engineer knows,
     Power is Work over Time.

So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get:

     K = P (1)
     T = M (2)
     P = W/T (3)

Now, do a few simple substitutions:

     Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:
     K = W/T (4)

Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:

     K = W/M (5).

Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get:

     Knowledge equals Work over Money.

What this MEANS is that:

     1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
     2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.

Solving for Money, we get:

     M = W/K (6)
     Money equals Work Over Knowledge.

From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless
of the Work done.

What THIS MEANS is:

     The More you Make, the Less you Know.

Solving for Work, we get

     W = M K (7)
     Work equals Money times Knowledge

From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.

What THIS MEANS is:

     The stupid rich do little or no work.

Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the
reader.


3. 




Dictionary of Musical Terms



JAZZ        :  Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes.
BLUES       :  Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning.
WORLD MUSIC :  A dozen different types of percussion all going at once.
OPERA       :  People singing when they should be talking.
RAP         :  People talking when they should be singing.
CLASSICAL   :  Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad.
FOLK        :  Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century.
BIG BAND    :  20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer.
HEAVY METAL :  Codpiece and chaps
HOUSE MUSIC :  OK as long as it's not the house next door.



4. 




Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you.


5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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