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Today's jokes [2.17.12]

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When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was 
delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned 
and went to see a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physician
examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be 
corrected by minor surgery. The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the 
doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need 
for surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked. "Crutches???" the doctor 
asked "Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, 
aren't you?"

1. 




Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls five stories down, 
lands on the bottom. Lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes,
and then says, ``Dammit, I said UP.''  


2. 




WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."



3. 




A woman shows up at the white house in a trench coat and scarf and says, 
"I received your emergency phone call, Mrs. Clinton, and came right away, 
but what could "I" possibly do to save the country?"
Mrs. Clinton: "Come inside and let me explain, Mrs. Bobbit..."

4. 




The Speed of Time by Age



 0-9  Extremely slow. Even a trip to the store with Mom seems like going
      to Albania - by covered wagon. Most common phrase: "Is it
      Christmas yet?"

10-19 Still slow. Scientific evidence seems to show that school clocks
      actually move backwards just before the bell rings.

20-29 Alternately fast and slow. Weekends seem shorter and shorter, yet
      paychecks seem further and further apart.

30-39 Time achieves warp speed, except when put on hold on the telephone
      and forced to endure anything longer than 5 seconds of Muzak. Most
      common phrase: "Is it Christmas already?"

40-49 Still fast. Seems like just yesterday when Jerry Brown said he
      might run for President. Wait a minute! It WAS yesterday when he
      said that. Also, Dick Clark still looks the same. Could time be
      slowing down?

60-69 Hey! What happened to 50-59?

70 +  Unbelievably fast. Wars used to last years. Now it seems like
      they're over in a couple weeks.



5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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