Today's jokes [2.12.12]

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This guy goes into a restaurant. He's a little more than strung out from
lack of sleep. The waiter asked for his order. Trying to be funny he asked
the waiter for a hit of his best heroin. Struggling to keep a straight
face.
The waiter says,"I'm sorry sir, we're all out".
"In that case bring me an espresso and a syringe", our friend says.
Being a restaurant that prided itself on good service the waiter brought
him an espresso, with a straw of course.

The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney
and a  farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston,
Texas insurance agent.

Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had
 never felt better in your life?"

Farmer: "That's right."

Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were
 seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse,
who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my
dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt,
I just  thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words
to say  I've never felt better in my life.

A couple of geezers were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home, having
a little chat.  "How are you, Tom?" asked Marvin.
"I'm not feeling well today - utterly exhausted," Tom replied. "I pulled a
muscle and it's killing me."
"That pulled muscle shouldn't make you so tired, though."
"Well, it does if you pull it a couple of hundred times...."

What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common? 

They are four ways you can lose your house!  

Mr.Richman has 3daughters. Their names are nobody, somebody and crazy.
One day nobody and somebody are fighting over a fake eyebrow. Then crazy
when to the policeman and she said"Nobody and Somebody are fighting" Then
the policeman look at her then he said "What are you
talking about?" Then she said again "Nobody and Somebody are fighting"
Then the policeman said "What? Are you crazy?" Then she said "Yes but how
did you know my name?"

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