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Today's jokes [12.31.12]

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                       Arkansas Governor Application
     
   
First name:___________________Last name(if known):_______________________
Address (where you live):
Mother's name(list also relation, i.e., sister):__________________
Birthdate(yours):____________________
Father's name (if known, if not, list two possible choices)______________
Color of neck: Light Red( ) Medium Red( ) Dark Red( ) No Neck( )

Year of pickup truck:____________ Do you have the following in your truck:
                                  Fuzzy Dice( )  Gun Rack( )  Coon Tail( )
                                  Filled ash tray( )  Used Condoms( )
                                  Dead Road Kill( ) Dog of Unknown Breed( )
Have you ever been to a large city? (Like Little Rock) Yes( ) No( )
How far can you throw cow pies?__________ Do you eat cow pies? Yes( ) No( )

Wife's name:__________________ Is she: Cousin( ) Neighbor( ) Sister( )
                                       Mother( ) Neighbor's dog( )
                                       Right hand( )
Does your wife weigh: Less than 200 Pounds( ) Less than 300 Pounds( )
                      Less than a 747( ) More than a 747( )
Do you know what a 747 is? Yes( ) No( )
How much smarter than you is your wife:
                50 IQ Points( )   75 IQ Points( )
                100 IQ Points( )  She Won't Tell Me( )
Does your wife wear:
                A Dress( )     Pants( )   Hot Pants( )
                Your Pants( )  Them Lawyer Clothes( )
                Nothing( )     Nothing but an Arkansas U Hog Head Hat( )
Color of wife's hair:  Blonde( )  Red( )  Brown( )  Black( )  Bald( )
Did you understand the previous questions:
                Yes( )   No( )   What does "previous" mean?( )
                Huh?( )  All of the Above( )

Have you ever had: Herpes( ) Jock Rot( ) The Drip( ) Roids( ) Zits( )
(Check all that    Smelly Feet( ) Toe Jam( ) Bad Breath( ) Tit Munge( )
 apply)            Ear Wax( ) Long Nasal Hairs( ) Brown Nose( )
Have you ever: Castrated a Pig( )  Been Castrated by a Pig( )
               Danced to Achey Breaky Heart( ) Had an Achey Breaky Heart( )
               Been Mistaken for Elvis( ) Had Fantasies about Toto( )
               Had Fantasies about Dorothy and Toto( )
               Had Fantasies about Gilligan( )
               Had Fantasies about Gilligan and the Skipper Too( )
               Inhaled( )
Where was your last Elvis sighting?________________ On what date?___________
Can you count past five: Yes( ) No( )  Past ten: Yes( ) No( )

Explain in ten words or less why on Earth you want to be Governor of Arkansas:


Signature (or 'X' if you can't write)________________________________
  


1. 




A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He 
inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to
go to 225 West 42nd St. 
By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being 
met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. 
She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone 
would be with him soon. 
He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really 
getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house 
offered. 
Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and 
found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand. 
"My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot." 
"Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take 
my business elsewhere."

2. 




Names to Use in Prank Calls



                                         Hugh G. Rection
                                           Jim Nassium
                                         Claire Voyence
                                          Buster Hyman
                                    Anita Moore (Roger's Mom)
                                           Dick Peede
                                            Mike Hunt

                                        Mai Dixie Wrecked
                                      Jon Doe's brother Dil

3. 




Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on,
indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served.
One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled, "Who
turned on the fucking lights!"
"Oh, no sir," the nearest flight attendant replied. "Those are the 
breakfast lights. You slept through the 'fucking lights.'"

4. 




Presidential Election'2000

Dear Abby,

I am a sailor in the US Coast Guard. My parents live in the suburb of
Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married
to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for
growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other
two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers, one
who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for rape and
murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being
held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his three
children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute 
who lives in the Bronx and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a 
brothel. However her time there is limited, as we hope to open our own 
brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would 
be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to 
prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the street,
and hopefully the heroin... Abby, my problem is this: I love my fiance
and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to
be totally honest with her... Should I tell her about my cousin who voted
for Bush?

Signed,
Worried about my reputation

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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