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Today's jokes [12.26.12]

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The seven kinds of passionate women 

   1.The Optimist 
     - "Yes! Yes! Yes!" 

   2.The Pessimist 
     - "No! No! No!" 

   3.The Confused 
     - "Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No! No!" 

   4.The Asthmatic 
     - written rendition of gasping 

   5.The Sprinter 
     - "Faster! Agh! Faster! Faster!" 

   6.The Religious 
     - "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! 

   7.The Mathematician 
     - "More! More! More! More! 

1. 




Ok, kids, here's the gross one...

Q: What's the difference between acne and a priest?
A: Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13. 

2. 




I just pulled one on somebody -- I slipped some of those anti-
shoplifting strips into the lining of the victim's favorite
jacket.  I was set to pull another one, but didn't get the chance
- to cut out a silhouette of a gun from metal and hide it in a
piece of carry-on luggage.



3. 




A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary. 
"HA!" he snorted. "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can 
grow hair on your chest!" On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her 
panties, and thrust her pubic area forward, "There! I have hair on my 
chest, now buy me the damn coat!" "That's not your chest!" he roars back. 
"Damn right it's my chest!" she argued. "Before we got married, this was 
your hope chest. On our honeymoon it was your treasure chest. Afterwards 
it became our family chest....AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT...IT WILL 
SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!" 

4. 




ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEETS WINDOWS95
   Costello: Hey, Abbott!
   Abbot: Yes, Lou?
   Costello: I just got my first computer.
   Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?
   Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive,
   and a 24X CD-ROM.
   Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.
   Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
   Abbot: You will in time.
   Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
   Abbot: Oh?
   Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
   Abbot: Well, I don't know-
   Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train
   me.
   Abbot: Really?
   Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
   Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do you want to know?
   Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you
   should be very careful how you turn it off.
   Abbot: That's true.
   Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn
   it off. What do I do?
   Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
   Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
   Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-
   Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to
   start it. So tell me what to do.
   Abbot: I did.
   Costello: When?
   Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.
   Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
   Abbot: To shut off the computer.
   Costello: I press Start to stop.
   Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
   Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
   Abbot: Start
   Costello: Start what?
   Abbot: Start button.
   Costello: Start button to do what?
   Abbot: Shut down.
   Costello: You don't have to get rude!
   Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
   Costello: Then say what you mean.
   Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-
   Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
   Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?
   Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to
   press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but
   no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
   Abbot: But that's what you do.
   Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
   Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.
   Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we
   started this conversation.
   Abbot: What are you talking about?
   Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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