Today's jokes [12.2.12]
Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Also, links to joke categories and "Email Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.
Three women, A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all come
home from work at the same time and get on the elevator.
The brunette notices a blob on the elevator wall and says: "
OOOOOhhh that looks like semen." She reaches out and
touches the blob with her fingers and says "It feels like
The redhead reaches out and touches it with her fingers,
smells it, and says "It smells like semen."
The blonde, reaches out and touches it with her fingers
and then puts her fingers in her mouth and tastes it and says,
"It doesn't taste like anyone in this building . . ."
Are YOU A HARD MAN?
1/. When reaching your sexual climax do you?
a) Make low moaning sounds in her ear.
b) Suck on her neck to produce a love bite.
c) Shove your thumb up her arse so she screams her tits off.
2/. You're in bed one night and she whispers "I love you". Do you?
a) Whisper back "I love you too".
b) Put your arse on her leg and fart.
c) Say "Go to sleep dog breath".
3/. After you have made love to your wife do you?
a) Hold her in your arms until she falls asleep.
b) Wipe your dick on her nightie and turn over.
c) Tell the bitch to go get in with the kids.
4/. If you break wind during the night do you?
a) Try and cough at the same time and hope she didn't hear.
b) Hold her head under the covers laughing your bollocks off. c)
Blame her and give her a boot.
5/. If she breaks wind do you?
a) Be a gentleman and pretend you didn't hear.
b) Clout the bitch.
c) Say "you dirty bitch" and shove her out in the back yard.
6/. You come home early and find her in bed with a big buck negro.
Do you? a) Close the door quietly and clear off. b) Join in and
stick it up the negro's arse. c) Dowse them both with petrol and
set fire to the cunts.
7/. Your toilet's in the bathroom, you're busting for a crap and
she's in the bath. Do you?
a) Go next door and use theirs.
b) Yell "Move it goat face, the fuckin tortoise head's out of the
shell". c) Sit next to her making noises like a flock of starlings
8/. You want sex but it's rag week. Do you?
a) Wait until next week.
c) Get your face in there and come up looking like the man on the
9/. She announces she is leaving you. Do you?
a) Break down in tears and beg her to stay.
b) Put up streamers and arrange a street party.
c) Empty your nostrils in her face, kick her in the cunt, then get
10/. She tells you she's having an unwanted baby. Do you?
a) Tell her not to worry, we'll manage somehow.
b) Belt her in the guts with a cricket bat.
c) Sell the house, clean out the bank account and scarper.
SCORE: a) 1. b) 2. c) 3.
0 - 15. If brains were spuds, you'd own Ireland.
15 - 29. You must try harder.
30. Congrats. You're one of the boys.
A Cowboy riding down the trail encounters an Indian laying on the trail
with hard on. The Cowboy asks "what are you doing?" Indian says" Me tellum
time." Cowboy shakes his head, rides on, encounters another exactly the
same. Says "You telling time?" yup" "how can you tell time like that?"
Indian says "workum like sundial, readum shadow". Cowboy, incredulous,
rides on. Encounters Indian in trail masturbating. Cowboy says "let me
guess, you're telling time too." Indian says " Nope. But me windum clock!"
Q: What's 18 inches long, black, and hangs in front of an asshole?
A: A stethoscope.
We've been married a little over four years, and we just celebrated our "Wooden Anniversary."
Yeah, I asked my wife to blow me, and she wouldn't.
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.
Today's StoriesToday's PoemsToday's QuotesToday's Funny Pic
S M T W Th F St
2 3 4 5 6 7 8
9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22
23 24 25 26 27 28 29