Today's jokes [12.19.12]
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Noon in the jungle.
Under a tree a lion tries to sleep, when he hears strange laughing. He
rises and strolls to the bushes where the laughter seems to come from.
Behind the bush a group of elephant bulls is sitting in a circle and
they are laughing their heads off.
Lion: "Hey elephants, why are you laughing?"
Elephant: "We are fucking some monkeys"
Lion: "Well, I do that as well, but I don't see what's so funny about
Elephant: "Because they don't burst when YOU cum."
(Alternatively, Elephant: "Because they don't turn inside-out when YOU
pull it out.")
What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far
away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send
me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next
month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it
was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month,
and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going
on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for
Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."
Mother-in-law: I baked two kinds of cookies today. Would you like to take
Son-in-law: No thanks. I'll just use the hammer.
Application to Live in Kentucky
CB Handle Model:_____________________ Color:______________
Address (RFD No.):_________________--_____________________________________
Daddy (If unknown, list 3 suspects):______________________________________
Neck Shade: _____Light Red _____Medium Red _____Dark Red
Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper_____ Lower_____
Name of Pickup owned:_______________ Height of Truck__________
Truck equipped with:
____Gun Rack ____4-Wheel Drive ____Confederate Flag
____8-Track Cassettes ____Load of Wood ____Hijacker Shocks
____Radar Detector ____Mag Wheels ____Dual CB Antennas
____Spittoon ____Camper Top ____Air Horns
____Mud Flaps ____Toothpick Holder ____Mud-Grip Tires
____Raccoon Hide ____Big Dog ____Hunting Rifle
Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup truck:_____
____Eat more Possum ____My other car is a piece of shit too
____Honk if you love Jesus ____If you ain't a cowboy you aint shit
____Redman Chewing Tobacco ____Wave if you're horny
____Don't Like My Driving? Dial 1-800-Eat-Shit
____If You Can Read This, Then You's Too Smart For Kentucky
____I Brake For Nuthin' ____National Rifle Association
Define the following (must be 90% correct):
1. Grits 6. Sawmill Gravy 11. Cobbler 16. Tater
2. Goobers 7. Turnip Salad 12. Fatback 17. Pig Skins
3. Pinto Beans 8. Shit-on-a-Shingle 13. Tote 18. Okrie
4. Collards 9. Redeye Gravy 14. Chickin'Fry 19. Shonuf
5. Sidemeat 10. Soppin' Syrup 15. Poke 20. Chitlins
____Reba McEntire ____Conway Twitty ____Loretta Lynn
____Hank Williams Jr. ____Randy Travis ____Ray Wylie Hubbard
____Tammy Wynette ____Slim Whitman ____Porter Wagoner
____Willie Nelson ____George Jones ____Box Car Willie
____Square Dancin' ____Possum Huntin' ____Skinny Dippin'
____Craw Daddin' ____Gospel Singin' ____4-Wheelin'
____Drankin' ____Spittin' Backy ____Bill Chip Throwin'
____Honky Tonkin' ____Noodlin' ____Other
Name of Son(s): ____Bubba ____Jim Bob ____LeeRoy ____J.D.
____Bill Lee____Bob Lee ____Duke
Name of Daughter(s): ____PammySue ____Violet ____Paulette ____Daisy
___Deer Rifle ___Sawed-Off Shotgun ___Varmit Rifle ___Log Cabin
___Tire Iron ___Power Chain Saw ___Pick Handle ___Hick'ry Switch
Number of Dogs:____ Type: ___Blue Tick ___Beagle
___Black & Tan ___Bird Dawg
Cap Emblem: ___John Deer ___McCullock Chain Saws ___Budweiser
___Vo-Tech ___Skoal ___Coors
___NAPA ___Smile if You're Not Wearing Underwear
___N.R.A. ___Redman ____Kodiak
Number of Dependends: Legal:________ Claimed:_________
Number of Weeks Unemployed:__________
Number of Welfare Checks Received:____________
___KKK ___NRA ___Moose ___PTL Club ___AA
___Bass Club ___VFW ___Quiltin' Bee ___American Legion
___United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy
___John Birch Society
Length of Right leg:________ Length of Left leg:__________
Number of Testicles Shot off in 'Nam____ Number of Testicles Left____
Does your truck contain some part painted the offical state color of
Primer Red? ___Yes ___No
How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?_______
How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch?__________
Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?____________
Do you own any shoes? ____Yes ____No If yes, how many?__________
What year did you last purchase shoes?_________________
Are you married to any of the following:
____Sister ____Cousin ____Sow
Do you know her name?________________
Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?____________
Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?____________
Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?________________
If so, why?______________________________________________________________
Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on?_________________
To 21 with your fly up?_____________________
Do you know any words that have more than four letters?__________________
Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?__________________________
Do you have at least two of the following:
___BO ___Crabs ___Head Lice ___Rabies
___Trench Mouth ___Runny Nose ___Bad Breath ___Chafing
IF YOUR APPLICATION IS TURNED DOWN BY THE STATE OF KENTUCKY, YOU MAY BE
ELIGIBLE IN THE STATES OF TEXAS, OKLAHOMA, OR ARKANSAS. THEIR STANDARDS ARE
SLIGHTLY LOWER, HOWEVER, YOU WOULD STILL BE ABLE TO VISIT KENTUCKY.
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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