Today's jokes [12.16.12]

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A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, 
they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never 
before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father 
for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the 
success of my marriage."

His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly 
feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as 
often as possible,and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, 
to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her 
problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up 
in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the 
morning."

"No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm 
afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room 
with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight 
out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While 
the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush 
your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed 
your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter 
asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice 
each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with 
her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until 
about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the 
husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had 
come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches 
the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, 
she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally
fundamentally Christian pet.  So, they went shopping.
At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they
liked quite a lot.  When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it 
in a flash.  When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied 
equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.  They were impressed, 
purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over.  They were so proud of their new
fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed 
off a little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any 
of the usual dog tricks, as well.  This stopped the couple cold, as they 
hadn't thought about "normal"  tricks.
Well, they said, "let's try this out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command,
"Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead,
closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

Question: What is 1 + 2 ?

Politician: Well, if you look at the seasonally adjusted figures,
you'll find that it's reasonably in line with government predictions.

Physicist: I won't tell you until you tell me what you want to use it for.

Lawyer: It makes one and a half each.

A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them. "What's 
your name?" she asks the first. To her surprise, the dog answers "My 
name's Huey and I'm having a great day going in and out of puddles." She 
goes up to the second dog and asks "What's your name?" The dog replies "My 
name's Duey and I'm having a great day going in and out of puddles." She 
turns to the third dog and says "I suppose you're going to tell me your 
names Luey and you're having a great day going in and out of puddles." The 
dog replies "No, I'm having a fucking miserable day and my name is 
Puddles."

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with 
another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put 
his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. 
Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! 
You're not going to...to...cut it off, are you???!?" The husband said, 
with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the 
garage on fire." 

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