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Today's jokes [12.11.12]

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What do West Virginians call a pretty woman?

                    A tourist.


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate 
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to 
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be 
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby 
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of 
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the 
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is 
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we 
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different 
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in 
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"  
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his 
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their 
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job 
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get 
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The 
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. 
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the 
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we  
can get to work."
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for 
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's 


A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough 
examination the doctor calls him into his office and says "I have some bad 
news. You have HAGS." "What is HAGS" the man asks. "It's herpes, AIDS,
gonorrhea, and syphilis" says the doctor. "Oh my God" says the man. "What 
are you going to do?"
"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and 
pizza." "Is that going to help me" says the man. "No" says the doctor. 
"But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door"


What's the definition of a virgin?

an ugly third grader


   A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that
   they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert
   himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we
   wouldn't be here at all!"
   The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only
   would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would
   there be any "we" in the first place."


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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