Today's jokes [11.7.12]
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Q: What has four legs and eight arms?
A: A pit-bull terrier at a children's play area.
California Driving Test Answers
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given
by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read
at Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop
at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying
"Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no
longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light
and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.
The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been
informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my
"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be
counseling the big bosses on relations with their
"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I
popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense
accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever
wanted my fucking advice, they'd let me know."
There is a pit-bull, bull-dog, and a black lab all locked up in the
local dog pound. The pit-bull decides to speak freely and says, "Ya
know, it wasn't my fault I bit that kid's head off. Them kids have
been throwing rocks at me for years and I just couldn't help but jump
the fence one day and go after them. Now they are going to put me to
The bull-dog speaks up and says, "I'm in for a similar incident. My
master just wasn't paying any attention to me since that stinkin baby
came along and one day while it was crawlin around on the floor I bit
its leg off. Now they are going to put me to sleep too."
Both the pit-bull and bull-dog look at the black lab and ask, "What
are you in for?"
The lab replies, "Well the other day my master's lady was walking
around the house naked all day long cleaning the house. When she went
into the bathroom and bent over to clean the tub I just couldn't take
it anymore. I came up behind her, put my front paws on her back and
The pit-bull asks, "So when are you due to be put to sleep?"
And the lab replies, "Oh, I'm not in to be put to sleep, I'm just in
to have my nails trimmed and groomed."
Nancy Reagan is the celebrity contestant on Password.
It's her turn to guess the word.
Voice Over: And the password is. . . black dick!
Nancy: Um. . . is it a place?
Her partner: No.
Nancy: Is it a person?
Her partner: No.
Nancy: Hmm, then it must be a thing. Um, is it something I
might want to eat?
Her partner, exasperated: Well, I dunno, maybe.
Nancy: Is it black dick?
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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