Today's jokes [11.6.12]

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Hungry Snake 


Having arived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon 
realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he
happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a 
worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him 
of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no 
lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer
down his throat and went about his fishing. 


An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg. 
Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms 
in his mouth... 

    Build an Ark

   The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until
   the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want
   you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the
   blueprints for the ark."
   Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall.
   Noah sat in his front yard, weeping.
   "Why haven't you built the ark?" asked the Lord.
   "Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things
   happened.
   "The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to
   change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance
   by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a varience..
   "The Forest Service required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a
   state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals.
   "The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the
   flood. the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood
   plain.
   "The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying
   taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission
   said I wasn't hiring enough Croatians.
   "I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years."
   Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to
   shine.
   Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean you're not going to
   devastate the earth?"
   "Right," said the Lord. "The government already has."

A straight guy and a gay are in the men's room and the straight guy has 
his shirt unbuttoned exposing a heavy coat of chest hair. The gay asked 
how he came to have so much hair on his chest. He said, "I put Vaseline
on it every night." That night the gay put Vaseline on his chest and went 
to bed. His partner George said, "What in the hell is that?" "It's to grow 
hair." he replied. "Bull shit!" said George. "If Vaseline grew hair...I'd 
have tail a mile long!

What is the worst thing about our justice system? 
You're leaving your fate in the hands of 12 people who
weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!  

Why is a man at his smartest when he is having sex? 

     Because he's plugged into a woman! 

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