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Today's jokes [11.3.12]

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove
a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation
"I now pronounce you man and wife".

1. 




Bloke is drinking at a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave, 
explaining to the barman he has to go home to do a shit. "Don't 
be stupid," says the barman, "We've got a perfectly good toilet 
here!" 

"Yes," explains the drinker, "but I take salts."

"So what??!! That doesn't matter - you can still use the toilet 
here!"

The drinker reluctantly agrees and heads for the toilet. After a 
few moments there is loud banging and the bloke emerges, 
followed by a foul smell. The barman races into the toilet where 
he sees crap all over the ceiling and walls. He races back into 

the bar. 

"What the hell went on in there?!" he demands.

"I told you," explained the drinker.

"No, you said that you take salts!" yelled the barman.

"That's right," the drinker shrugs, "somersaults."

2. 




A man eating at restaurant says to his waiter, 
'waiter, there's a fly in my soup!' 
The waiter replies, 'That, sir, is entirely 
possible, you see our cook used to be a tailor.'

3. 




Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each 
other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to 
date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc., 
and finally gets around to their sex lives. Sue says, "It's OK. We get it 
on every week or so, but it's no big adventure; how's yours?" Sally 
replies, "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M." Sue is aghast. 
"Really, Sally, I never would have quessed that you would go for that!!" 
Oh, sure," says Sally, "He Snores while I Masturbate."

4. 




One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost.
For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out.
He had not eaten anything during this period and was
famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle,
killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly a couple of
park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and
arrested him for killing an endangered species.

At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him
claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would
have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.
In the judges closing statement he asked the man, "I
would like you to tell me something before I let you go.
I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it.
What did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well,
it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a
spotted owl." 

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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