Today's jokes [11.23.12]
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The Math Test
California officials have determined that students would probably do better with math word
problems, if they could relate them to real life examples. Towards that end, may I present:
The City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam
1.Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13
times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he
has to reload?
2.Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to
Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he
doesn't cut it?
3.Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks
will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit?
4.Jarome want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of
cut will he need?
5.Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has
stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to steal to make $800?
6.Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law
wife is spending $425 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison,
and how many years is he likely to get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
7.If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet,
how many letters can be sprayed with 3 cans of paint?
8.Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of
the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
9.Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month
welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%, how many more children
should she have to keep up with her expenses?
10.Salvador was arrested for dealing crack & his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail
bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?
A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and
tells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever
since his wife died.
The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the
pig is a male or female.
"No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says the farmer. "And the pig is a
female, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a goddam queer?
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl
approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I
have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the
Whats the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vaccum?
- With a vaccum, the dirtbags on the inside
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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