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Today's jokes [11.22.12]

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Her teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of 
balancing his new checking account.  "The bank returned the 
check you wrote to the sporting goods store," she said.

"Oh good," he said, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo


My brother-in-law went to the doctor complaining of a very difficult time
achieving an orgasm.
The Dr said "which position do you use?"
"Doggy style," said dumb shit.
"why don't you go home and tonight try it missionary position and see if
that works any better." said the Dr.
"We've tryed that" he said,  "but my dogs got such baaadddd breath!"


My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wellsburg, Iowa, received a check
for $1,000.00  from the government for not raising hogs.  So I want to
go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.

  What I want to know is, in your  opinion,  what is the best  kind of
farm not to  raise  hogs on and what is the best  breed of hogs not to
raise?  I want to be sure that I approach  this  endeavor  in  keeping
with  all   governmental   policies.  I  would  prefer  not  to  raise
razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I would
just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

  As I see it, the hardest part of this  program will be in keeping an
accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

  My  friend,  Peterson,  is  very  joyful  about  the  future  of the
business.  He has been  raising  hogs for twenty  years or so, and the
best he ever made on them was $442.00 in 1968, until this year when he
got your check for $1,000.00 for not raising hogs.

  If I get $1,000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000.00 for
not  raising  100 hogs?  I plan to operate on a small  scale at first,
holding  myself  down to about 4,000 hogs not raised,  which will mean
about $80,000.00 the first year.  Then I can afford an airplane.

  Now  another  thing.  These hogs I will not be raising  will not eat
100,000  bushels of corn.  I understand  that you also pay farmers for
not  raising  corn and  wheat.  Will I qualify  for  payments  for not
raising  wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000  hogs I am not  going to

  I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems to be a good
time of the year not to raise hogs and grain.

  Also, I am considering  the "not milking cows"  business, so send me
any information on that too.

  In view  of  these  circumstances,  you  understand  that I will  be
totally  unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

  Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically yours,

Jean Partridge


Valentine's Day Story 

   John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform,
   and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central
   Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he
   didn't, the girl with the rose. His interest in her had begun thirteen
   months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he
   found himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with the
   notes penciled in the margin. The soft handwriting reflected a
   thoughtful soul and insightful mind. In the front of the book, he
   discovered the previous owner's name, Miss Hollis Maynell. With time
   and effort he located her address. She now lived in New York City. He
   wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond.
   The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II.
   During the next year and one month the two grew to know each other
   through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A
   romance was budding. Blanchard requested a photograph, but she
   refused. She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn't matter what she
   looked like. When the day finally came for him to return from Europe,
   they scheduled their first meeting - 7:00 PM at the Grand Central
   Station in New York. "You'll recognize me," she wrote, "by the red
   rose I'll be wearing on my lapel." So at 7:00 he was in the station
   looking for a girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he'd never
   seen. I'll let Mr. Blanchard tell you what happened: A young woman was
   coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde hair lay back
   in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her
   lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she
   was like springtime come alive. I started toward her, entirely
   forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose. As I moved, a
   small provocative smile curved her lips. "Going my way, sailor?" she
   murmured. Almost uncontrollably I made one step closer to her, and
   then I saw Hollis Maynell. She was standing almost directly behind the
   girl. A woman well past 40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn
   hat. She was more than plump, her thick-ankled feet thrust into
   low-heeled shoes. The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away.
   I felt as though I was split in two, so keen was my desire to follow
   her, and yet so deep was my longing for the woman whose spirit had
   truly companioned me and upheld my own. And there she stood. Her pale,
   plump face was gentle and sensible, her gray eyes had a warm and
   kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small worn
   blue leather copy of the book that was to identify me to her. This
   would not be love, but it would be something precious, something
   perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and
   must ever be grateful. I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out
   the book to the woman, even though while I spoke I felt choked by the
   bitterness of my disappointment. "I'm Lieutenant John Blanchard, and
   you must be Miss Maynell. I am so glad you could meet me. May I take
   you to dinner?" The woman's face broadened into a tolerant smile. "I
   don't know what this is about, son," she answered, "but the young lady
   in the green suit who just went by, she begged me to wear this rose on
   my coat. And she said if you were to ask me out to dinner, I should go
   and tell you that she is waiting for you in the big restaurant across
   the street. She said it was some kind of test!" It's not difficult to
   understand and admire Miss Maynell's wisdom.
   The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the
   unattractive. "Tell me whom you love," Houssaye wrote, "And I will
   tell you who you are."


   A man comes home early from work and finds his wife and his best
   friend in bed. The man throws up his hands in disbelief and says, "My
   God Pete !!! I more-or-less 'have to', but YOU ???"


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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