Today's jokes [11.22.12]
Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Also, links to joke categories and "Email Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.
Her teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of
balancing his new checking account. "The bank returned the
check you wrote to the sporting goods store," she said.
"Oh good," he said, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo
My brother-in-law went to the doctor complaining of a very difficult time
achieving an orgasm.
The Dr said "which position do you use?"
"Doggy style," said dumb shit.
"why don't you go home and tonight try it missionary position and see if
that works any better." said the Dr.
"We've tryed that" he said, "but my dogs got such baaadddd breath!"
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wellsburg, Iowa, received a check
for $1,000.00 from the government for not raising hogs. So I want to
go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of
farm not to raise hogs on and what is the best breed of hogs not to
raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping
with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise
razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I would
just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an
accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the
business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the
best he ever made on them was $442.00 in 1968, until this year when he
got your check for $1,000.00 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1,000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000.00 for
not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first,
holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean
about $80,000.00 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing. These hogs I will not be raising will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for
not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not
raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to
I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems to be a good
time of the year not to raise hogs and grain.
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me
any information on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be
totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Valentine's Day Story
John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform,
and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central
Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he
didn't, the girl with the rose. His interest in her had begun thirteen
months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he
found himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with the
notes penciled in the margin. The soft handwriting reflected a
thoughtful soul and insightful mind. In the front of the book, he
discovered the previous owner's name, Miss Hollis Maynell. With time
and effort he located her address. She now lived in New York City. He
wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond.
The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II.
During the next year and one month the two grew to know each other
through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A
romance was budding. Blanchard requested a photograph, but she
refused. She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn't matter what she
looked like. When the day finally came for him to return from Europe,
they scheduled their first meeting - 7:00 PM at the Grand Central
Station in New York. "You'll recognize me," she wrote, "by the red
rose I'll be wearing on my lapel." So at 7:00 he was in the station
looking for a girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he'd never
seen. I'll let Mr. Blanchard tell you what happened: A young woman was
coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde hair lay back
in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her
lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she
was like springtime come alive. I started toward her, entirely
forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose. As I moved, a
small provocative smile curved her lips. "Going my way, sailor?" she
murmured. Almost uncontrollably I made one step closer to her, and
then I saw Hollis Maynell. She was standing almost directly behind the
girl. A woman well past 40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn
hat. She was more than plump, her thick-ankled feet thrust into
low-heeled shoes. The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away.
I felt as though I was split in two, so keen was my desire to follow
her, and yet so deep was my longing for the woman whose spirit had
truly companioned me and upheld my own. And there she stood. Her pale,
plump face was gentle and sensible, her gray eyes had a warm and
kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small worn
blue leather copy of the book that was to identify me to her. This
would not be love, but it would be something precious, something
perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and
must ever be grateful. I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out
the book to the woman, even though while I spoke I felt choked by the
bitterness of my disappointment. "I'm Lieutenant John Blanchard, and
you must be Miss Maynell. I am so glad you could meet me. May I take
you to dinner?" The woman's face broadened into a tolerant smile. "I
don't know what this is about, son," she answered, "but the young lady
in the green suit who just went by, she begged me to wear this rose on
my coat. And she said if you were to ask me out to dinner, I should go
and tell you that she is waiting for you in the big restaurant across
the street. She said it was some kind of test!" It's not difficult to
understand and admire Miss Maynell's wisdom.
The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the
unattractive. "Tell me whom you love," Houssaye wrote, "And I will
tell you who you are."
A man comes home early from work and finds his wife and his best
friend in bed. The man throws up his hands in disbelief and says, "My
God Pete !!! I more-or-less 'have to', but YOU ???"
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.
Today's StoriesToday's PoemsToday's QuotesToday's Funny Pic
S M T W Th F St
1 2 3
4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17
18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26 27 28 29 30