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Today's jokes [11.2.12]

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Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young
newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor
goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex
for the two weeks?"

The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor
goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain
from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I
had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.

"Congratulations!
Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the
newlywed couple and asks, 'Well, were you able to abstain from sex for
two weeks?"

"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,"
the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took
advantage of her right there."

"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our
church," stated the pastor.

"That's OK." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore,
either."

1. 




Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a
$100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously
much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two'gotchas'."
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.
And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members
were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
"What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeing
up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand
between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever
tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

2. 




A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on 
the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. 
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa,
what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he
asked again.

The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here
with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

3. 




   Two men are talking. The first sez, "I got married because I was tired
   of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearing
   shabby clothes."
   
   "Amazing," said the second, "I just got divorced for the very same
   reasons."


4. 




   Mr Smith goes downstairs in the morning and his doorman says, "Mr
   Smith, how are you?" Smith says, "I feel great." Doorman says, "But
   you look terrible!" Smith says, "But I feel great."
   
   When Smith gets to the office, his secretary asks him how he is. He
   says, "I feel great!" She says, "But you look terrible." He says, "But
   I feel great." Smith goes to lunch with his friend and they have just
   the same conversation. His friend insists that he goes to the doctor
   and so that is what Mr Smith does.
   
   The doctor asks what the problem is. Smith says, "I feel great but I
   look terrible." Dr says, "I don't know that ailment so I'll look in my
   medical book." The doctor takes out a huge tome. "Feels great, looks
   terrible..." he says as he turns the pages, "Feels great, looks
   terrible.... Feels gre... I've got it!! You're a vagina!"
   


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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