Today's jokes [11.16.12]

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What Not to Name Your Dog

Everybody has a dog called Rover or Spot. I call my dog "Sex". When I went to city hall to 
buy a licence I told the clerk I wanted a licence for Sex. He said "I'd like one too." But 
then I said "This is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "You 
don't understand I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said "You must have been quite 
a kid." When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel 
clerk that I wanted a room for my wife, me and a special room for Sex. He said that every 
room in the place was for sex. I said "You don't understand Sex keeps me awake at night." The 
clerk said "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, 
the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. 
I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own 
tickets. "But you don't understand," I said. I hoped to have Sex on T.V. He called me a show 
off.

When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your 
honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I 
was married Sex left. He said "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me 
and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said I'm looking 
for Sex. My case comes up Friday. 

Selections From the Scholastic Aptitude Preparatory Test

                                           (the S.A.P.)



                   ENGLISH
     
1.  Which of the following is the correct answer to this question?
    a.   b.   c.   d.   e. none of the above
     
2.  ingot:bleak   ::   ingot:_______
    a. tepid   b. gold   c. oak   d. bolonga   e. bleak
     
3.  pork:algae   ::   green:_______
    a. six   b. five   c. ten   d. marble   e. red
     
4.  mugger:park   ::   king:_______
    a. castle   b. burger   c. queen   d. Jacuzzi   e. bleak
     
     
                READING COMPREHENSION
     
Read the following carefully and answer the questions below.
    
  In addition to the obvious effects of solar activity on the upper
atmosphere, some scientists contend that it also affects the
weather.  These contentions, however, are for the most part
unconfirmed and some are very dubious.  Even further afield, a
British researcher on epidemiology claimed last year that "the
periods of world dominance of successive major subtypes of influenza
virus have synchronized closely with the periodicity of sunspots."
Correlatons of biomedical phenomenon with solar activity, such as
this one, are generally not taken seriously by most Western scintists.
Many researchers in the Soviet Union, however, do believe in such
possibilites, including even a correlation of sunspots with outbreaks
of plague-spreading rodents in central Asia.
     
1.  In what lanuage is the British researcher speaking?
    a. Japanese   b. Urdu   c. Bengali   d. British   e. Media
     
2.  The term "most Western" means
    a. Hawaii   b. John Ford's longest film   c. nothing   d. correct
     
3.  A conclusion that could be drawn from this passage is
    a. Russian scientists are idiots and Russia is full of rats
    b. The sun has sunspots
    c. Don't ask a question of a British researcher if you want an answer
    d. all of the above
     
     
                  MATHEMATICS
     
1.  Which of the following is a number?
    a. blue   b. Jacques Cousteau   c. watermelon   d. John Doe   e. 5
     
2.  If Juan is fourteen and weighs 150 pounds, and Grover is nine
    and weighs 70 pounds, what is the probability that Juan can
    get anything he wants from Grover?
    a. 0%   b. 100%   c. a and b   d. a only   e. b only
     
3.  Delbert McBumm wants to pawn a hundred-dollar watch.  The
    pawnbroker gives him eleven dollars for it and then sells it
    for a hundred and twenty-five.  What was the relative rate of
    mark-up in the watch in relation to half of its worth, if the
    worth is calculated at three-quarters the difference between
    the pawnbrokers's offer and 78% of Delbert's assessment of the
    watch's value?
    a. 100   b. 50   c. 75   d. 115   e. none of the above
    
                                           /\50 6/\
5. Calculate the shaded area             6/  \__/  \2
    of the figure at the right.          /     2    |
    a. 0   b. 50%   c. c only            \    /\    |
    d. the answer is a                   9\  /7 \   |10
    e. go back, it's a                     \/   8\__|
     
6.  Grant McSwine is a repairman.  If he tells Mr. White that it
    will take him about 10 hours to do a specific job, how long will
    it really take him?
    a. six weeks   b. half an hour   c. about three hundred dollars longer
    d. not enough information because the type of repair is not indicated
     
     
                   QUANTITATIVE COMPARISON
     
In the following questions you are asked to compare two quantities.
These quantities may be equal, or one may be bigger, or neither.
On your answer sheet choose a if b is bigger, choose b if a and b
are equal, choose c if a is bigger, choose d if neither one is
bigger, choose e if both are bigger, choose f if the answer cannot
be determined from the information given, choose g if you have no
idea.
     
          a. 2                           b. 15
          a. the area of a circle        b. the area of a square
             whose area is 10               whose area is 10
          a. my dad                      b. your dad
          a. New York City               b. Limpid, Iowa
          a. something                   b. nothing
          a. a mountain                  b. a molehill

At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking 
at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No." 

A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?" 

"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I 
laughed at your dick' cards?" 

IDEAL DATE

At      17         Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
        25         "Split the check before we go back to my place"
        35         "Just come over."
        48         "Just come over and cook."
        66         Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer
tip:
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"

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