Today's jokes [11.10.12]
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Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?
A: Her crayons are still sticky.
A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.
The corporal explained the procedure "You count to
ten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn't
open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after
you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up."
The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary
"Geronimo!" and jumped out of the plane. He counted to
ten and pulled the ripcord. The chute failed to open.
He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn't
open. As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet that
goddamn truck won't be there either!"
Humor story by Larry Graves
MY TWO "DELICATE" OPERATIONS
A few years ago, I had two operations in the space of a couple of
months. These were not major operations. Although for most men, I
believe they would prefer triple heart bypass surgery instead... No man
alive has ever looked forward to either of these operations. In fact, I can
guarantee you the following statements have never been said by any
man in existence:
#1 "Oh good, today is my vasectomy!"
#2 "Oh good, I'm finally getting the circumcision I've always wanted!"
Yes, dear readers, 1990 was not a good year for a member of the family.
My member, my private part, my willy, my manhood, my good luck charm
I carry wherever I go.
First I will tell you about the vasectomy. (I hope you have strong
stomachs.) Men who know I've had this delicate operation always ask
me how bad it is. I tell them the truth. Except for the unbearable pain and
embarrassment, it's not bad at all. The embarrassment of laying on the
operating table as the doctor strolls in, so cocksure. (Pun very much
intended...) Let's just say,it was very uncomfortable when the doctor
lifted up the blanket to look at his next job. Very perturbed, he stated "Mr.
Graves, in order to have a vasectomy, you have to have a penis." I
assured the doctor that it was there. I pointed to the very spot it was
located. The doctor sighed heavily and murmured "I can't see dick all!"
As the doctor tried to control his anger, he asked his nurse to bring in a
microscope. After searching for a few minutes, he located what he
believed to be my manhood (okay, boyhood...) I could be imagining
things but I swear I heard some discussion about contacting the
Guinness Book of World Records.
The operation honestly wasn't too bad. It was actually the constant
laughter during the operation which caused me the most pain. When the
vasectomy was completed, I was thrown a couple of pain killers and told
I could go home. Very gingerly I walked out of the hospital. My legs
spread apart as far as possible as I shuffled towards the parking lot.
Needless to say, everyone who saw me knew what operation I had just
had. As people gawked and pointed at me, I felt like a real dick.
The circumcision was basically the same, except I was knocked out for
the operation. When I awoke from the operation, I felt like I was being
woken up from the dead. I looked down at "it" and noticed it was in
some kind of cast. I started to have visions of girls wanting to sign my
cast. Silly dreamer I am... Being the comedian I am, I asked the nurse if
they had enlarged it for me. She stared at me in shock and said "I don't
Another dream shattered...
sent by Larry Graves
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is
having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The
next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful
redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband
jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're
Once some boys got together to play poker one
night, after about 4 hours of playing, Tim had
severe chest pains and suddenly slumped over, one
of the gamblers who happened to be a doctor,
examined him, and to everybodies shock, poor Tim
had died of a heart attack.
All his friends didn't know how to break the news
to his wife, finally Johnny said: 'I can be
diplomatic about it and break the news gently!'.
Johnny rang the bell at Tim's house, and when his
wife answered the door, he calmly said to her:
'Tim just gambled with us and lost 1,000 dollars!'
When Tim's wife heard this she said: 'Tell him to
just drop dead!'
Johnny answered: 'That's exactly what he did!'.
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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