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Today's jokes [11.10.12]

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Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?
            A: Her crayons are still sticky.

1. 




A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.
The corporal explained the procedure "You count to
ten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn't
open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after
you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up."
The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary
"Geronimo!" and jumped out of the plane. He counted to
ten and pulled the ripcord. The chute failed to open.
He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn't
open. As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet that
goddamn truck won't be there either!"

2. 




Humor story by Larry Graves

Website: http://www.gravetimes.com                                                    

MY TWO "DELICATE" OPERATIONS



A few years ago, I had two operations in the space of a couple of 

months. These were not major operations. Although for most men, I 

believe they would prefer triple heart bypass surgery instead... No man 

alive has ever looked forward to either of these operations. In fact, I can 

guarantee you the following statements have never been said by any 

man in existence:



 #1    "Oh good, today is my vasectomy!"

 #2    "Oh good, I'm finally getting the circumcision I've always wanted!"



Yes, dear readers, 1990 was not a good year for a member of the family. 

My member, my private part, my willy, my manhood, my good luck charm 

I carry wherever I go.



First I will tell you about the vasectomy. (I hope you have strong 

stomachs.) Men who know I've had this delicate operation always ask 

me how bad it is. I tell them the truth. Except for the unbearable pain and 

embarrassment, it's not bad at all. The embarrassment of laying on the 

operating table as the doctor strolls in, so cocksure. (Pun very much 

intended...) Let's just say,it was very uncomfortable when the doctor 

lifted up the blanket to look at his next job. Very perturbed, he stated "Mr. 

Graves, in order to have a vasectomy, you have to have a penis." I 

assured the doctor that it was there. I pointed to the very spot it was 

located. The doctor sighed heavily and murmured "I can't see dick all!" 

As the doctor tried to control his anger, he asked his nurse to bring in a 

microscope. After searching for a few minutes, he located what he 

believed to be my manhood (okay, boyhood...) I could be imagining 

things but I swear I heard some discussion about contacting the 

Guinness Book of World Records. 



The operation honestly wasn't too bad. It was actually the constant
laughter during the operation which caused me the most pain. When the 

vasectomy was completed, I was thrown a couple of pain killers and told 

I could go home. Very gingerly I walked out of the hospital. My legs 

spread apart as far as possible as I shuffled towards the parking lot. 

Needless to say, everyone who saw me knew what operation I had just 

had. As people gawked and pointed at me, I felt like a real dick. 



The circumcision was basically the same, except I was knocked out for 

the operation. When I awoke from the operation, I felt like I was  being 

woken up from the dead. I looked down at "it" and noticed it was in 

some kind of cast. I started to have visions of girls wanting to sign my 

cast. Silly dreamer I am... Being the comedian I am, I asked the nurse if 

they had enlarged it for me. She stared at me in shock and said "I don't 

think so."





                                    Another dream shattered...


sent by Larry Graves


  

3. 




   
   A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is
   having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The
   next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful
   redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband
   jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
   Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're
   next!"


4. 




Once some boys got together to play poker one 
night, after about 4 hours of playing, Tim had 
severe chest pains and suddenly slumped over, one 
of the gamblers who happened to be a doctor, 
examined him, and to everybodies shock, poor Tim 
had died of a heart attack.
All his friends didn't know how to break the news 
to his wife, finally Johnny said: 'I can be 
diplomatic about it and break the news gently!'.
Johnny rang the bell at Tim's house, and when his 
wife answered the door, he calmly said to her: 
'Tim just gambled with us and lost 1,000 dollars!' 
When Tim's wife heard this she said: 'Tell him to 
just drop dead!' 
Johnny answered: 'That's exactly what he did!'.

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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