Today's jokes [10.31.12]
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Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says,
"Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?"
The priest says, "Because I'm a father."
Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear
his collar backwards."
The priest says "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children."
Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards."
Q: What's the most active muscle in a woman?
A: The penis.
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six
The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
Standardized Guide to the Bases
Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school?
If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?
"Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to
Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second
base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, the
bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a
person to do?
Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describe
sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages in
todays day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing
baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance
and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the
First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.
--First Base- This was almost always kissing, although one guy
I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue
kissing and sometimes not.
--Second Base- Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or
outside the clothes genital contact.
--Third Base- Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your
--Home Run- This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in
the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.
Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed
sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter
the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions?
Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without
Standardized Guide to the Bases!
--On Deck- Having plans for a date
--Single- Tongue kissing
--Double- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of
grabbing and feels
--Triple- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual
--Inside the park home run- Oral Sex
--Home Run- SEX!
--Ground Rule Double- would have sex, but no condom
--Error- Condom breaks during sex
--Banned for life for gambling- sex without condom
--Hall of Fame- Marriage
Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to
better explain all the things that can happen now a days.
--Balk- Premature ejaculation
--Pine Tar- KY jelly
--Relief pitcher- Vibrator
--Rain Delay- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
--Box Seats- Waterbed
--Seventh Inning Stretch- Unusual positions
--Minor Leagues- Under 18
--Loaded Bases- manage a trois
--Grand Slam- Sex three times in twelve hours
--Foul tip- VD
--Three up and three down- impotency
Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast
the old confusion with current clarity.
OLD WAY- we um got to third base i guess and then we um got like
past third base, but not to home plate. i really like her.
NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got and inside the
park home run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time.
NEW WAY- So there i was with the bases loaded and nobody out,
when i balked during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call in
a relief pitcher.
Well, there you have it, i hope it has cleared up a lot of
the confusion and helps you out.
I hope that you enjoy this little tarticle on America's favorite pastime!
Douglas K. Blystone
The referee shall have the power to make decisions on any point not
specifically covered in the rules.
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully
when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his
head with a huge
Man: "What was that for?"
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Marylou written on
Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?
the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house.
Three days later he is
once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan
Man: "What the hell was that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called."
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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