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Today's jokes [10.29.12]

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                           Immodest Proposal #1:
                                      
                        Daylight Savings Time Reform
                                      
                 Richard S. Holmes, RICH@suhep.phy.syr.edu
     
   
It happens every spring: crocuses, baseball (with any luck), and the switch to
Daylight Savings Time (DST).

Coming off DST is not hard.  In the Fall, we set our clocks back one hour.  We
all get an extra hour to sleep, and those who forget find themselves at church,
or the airport, or wherever an hour early.  Embarassing, but not catastrophic.

But in the Spring we set the clocks forward, and the trouble begins.  We lose
an hour of sleep.  Forgetful people miss Mass, planes, breakfast, and the big
game on TV.  Some are thrown into disarray for up to a full week.  Annual
losses due to DST confusion have been estimated (by me) at over a million
dollars.  I myself have missed a flight to Washington and a showing of The
Seven Samurai because of DST.

There is no need for such tragic waste.  We can -- we should and must -- urge
our lawmakers to reform Daylight Savings Time as follows:

Setting clocks back is easy; setting them forward is difficult.  Therefore, let
us keep the fall ritual as it is.  However, one Sunday each Spring, let us set
our clocks not one hour forward, but TWENTY-THREE HOURS BACKWARD.

Think of all the advantages.  We will not lose an hour of sleep; we will gain
(almost) a day of rest.  It will be Saturday all over again.  You will never
again miss Confession, or an airplane, or the Redskins game.

Naturally, if this were the whole plan, our calendars would fall behind one day
in each year.  However, the second part of the Revised DST Plan deals with
this.  Every four years, instead of adding a day, let us SUBTRACT THREE DAYS.
Furthermore, let these be Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, which according to
recent polls are the least popular days.

If done in February, which seems reasonable considering what a miserable month
it is, this would have the beneficial side effect of shortening the
excruciating presidential primary season by an effective four days.

The advantages of this plan are clear.  Let us waste no time.  With a determine
d
effort we can have Reformed Daylight Savings Time by Spring of next year.

Write your congressperson today!
  


1. 




A blonde woman competed with a brunette and redheaded woman in the Breast 
Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came 
in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore 
completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she 
remarked:
"I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their 
arms." 

2. 




Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further 
contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition 
was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as 
yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your 
name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find 
better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer 
the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.
Check those that apply...

___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating 
it, or subjecting my children to it.
___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture 
myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a 
little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by thetruckload" 
indicates that you may be interested in me for something otherthan my 
personality.
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about 
yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time onyour 
hands!
___Your legs are skinnier than mine.
___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten 
up repeatedly at recess.
___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying 
to
kiss you.
___You have a hairy back.
___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals aninherent 
slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
___You still live with your parents.
___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of StarTrek
u
niforms a little disconcerting.
___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect 
that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I amseeking in 
a long term partner.
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, 
however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit 
your application.
___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really 
necessary for a successful business trip.
___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,
___________

3. 




What's the first problem the MJ's child will have in life?

                 Figuring out which parent is his mother.

4. 




Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?

A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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