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Today's jokes [10.17.12]

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What does Kurt Cobain and Michaelangelo have in common? 

They both used their brains to paint the ceiling. 

1. 




Two really old guys decided they would go out and try to play a round of 
golf together. They get on the first tee and the first old guy says to the 
second, "My eyesight isn't what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for 
me?".
The second guy says, "Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit."
So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns to 
his buddy and says, "Did you see it?".
"Sure!", says his buddy.
"Where did it go?", the first guy asks. 
The second old man thinks for a minute and says, "I can't remember." 

2. 




A little girl asks her father, "where do little girls come from?" 
The father says, "they come from a hard-on." 
The little girl then asks her father, "where does a hard-on come from?" 
The father says, "little girls!" 

3. 




    "Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?"
   inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously
   eyeing her bulging stomach. "Why, no Father," answered the nun
   demurely, "It's just a little gas."
   A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun
   noticing her habit barely fit across her belly. "Oh, just a bit of
   gas," said sister Ann, blushing a bit.
   On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he
   passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage. Looking in, the priest
   observed, "Cute little Fart!"


4. 




                 Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers
     
   
     For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.
However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise.  Electric
bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark.  Thus they now call these bulbs
dark suckers.  The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs
spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than
that of light, and that dark is faster than light.

     The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark.
Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are.  There is
less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere.  The larger the dark
sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark.  Dark suckers in a parking
lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room.  As with all
things, dark suckers don't last forever.  Once they are full of dark, they
can no longer suck.  This is proven by the black spot on a full dark
sucker.  A candle is a primitive dark sucker.  lA new candle has a white
wick.  You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black,
representing all the dark which has been sucked into it.  If you hold a
pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black
because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle.

     Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.
There are also portable dark suckers.  The bulbs in these can't handle all
of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit.  When
the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before
the portable dark sucker can operate again.

     Dark has mass.  When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this
mass generates heat.  Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark
sucker.  Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the
solid wick instead of through glass.  This generates a great amount of
heat.  Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle.  Dark is
also heavier than light.  If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets
slowly darker and darker.  When you reach a depth of approximately fifty
feet, you are in total darkness.  This is because the heavier dark sinks to
the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top.  The
immense power of dark can be utilized to mans advantage.  We can collect
the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through
turbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it
may be safely stored.  Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get
dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean.  The Indians recognized this
problem, and tried to solve it.  When on a river in a canoe travelling in
the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not
to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark,
they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.

     Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light.  If you were to
stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly
open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but
since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the
closet.

     In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives
much easier.  So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that
it is indeed a dark sucker.

Author Unknown
  


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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