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Today's jokes [10.13.12]

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"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little 
boy while holding out her hand. "My dog ate it," was his solemn response. 
"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me 
to believe that?" "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I 
had to force him, but he ate it!"

1. 




    A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet
   rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over
   immediately.
   When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
   close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard
   which is full and bushy.
   Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both
   hands.
   "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak
   to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his
   hair.
   "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there
   anything I can do?"
   "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues
   huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him
   to suck them gently.
   "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."


2. 




   Regardless of what you may hear, there's still many women these days
   who are excellent "housekeepers". Seems each time they get a divorce,
   they keep the house.


3. 




                             The Big Horse Race
     
   
Horses in the race are:

1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosum
10. Merry Cherry

At the Post:

They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosum is being pressured.
Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson
   in a very tight spot.
At the Halfway Mark it's Bare Belly on top.
Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in.
Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.
At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.
Big Johnson is making a final drive.
Passionate Lady is coming.
At The Finish It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and
   Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and
   wins by a head.
Heavy Bosum weakens and Thighs pulls-up.
Clean Sheets never had a chance.
  


4. 




Politically Correct

                                 Little Red Riding Hood



There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived
on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that
would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to
study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to
as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have
thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.

Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households,
although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and
mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who
have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between
various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss
and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn
to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all
womyn were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since
he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending
a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical
womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a
feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and
hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't
actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way,
although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were
inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering
the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous
place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on
cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded
the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that
natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but
Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples
would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid
lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and
wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what
was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers,
but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and
chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture
of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk
through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but
I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society,
the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely
valid worldview.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her
Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to
linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's
house.
 
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of
his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on
Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,

"Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your
role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess!  Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't
give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction
appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed
Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see
her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted.  "You
must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.  "If I let
you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own 
abilities,
which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college
entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister!  Get your hands off that endangered species!  This
is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding
Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf.  "The brat and her
grandmother lured me in here.  I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper.  "I've been
dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers
earlier.  And now I'm going to have such a trauma.  Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his
firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"

                                   Thomas E. Maloney



5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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