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Today's jokes [10.11.12]

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A redneck calles up the White House and tells the receptionist:
"I'd like to become the next President of the United States."
The receptionist: "What are you, an idiot?"
Redneck: "Why, is it required?"

1. 




One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be 
judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he 
could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and 
God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the 
only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 
pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and 
enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an 
eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, 
pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. 
Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. 
When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, 
and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and 
scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more 
then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding 
and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, 
they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking 
along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could 
have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this 
man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / 
centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and 
in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with 
this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these 
god-awful women.

Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. 
This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm 
dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope 
for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem 
to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and 
murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"

2. 




   A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an
   incredible set of jugs.
   
   He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets
   to Pittsburgh."
   
   He's really embarrassed...
   
   The guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all make Freudian
   slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to
   say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said, 'You
   fucking bitch, you wrecked my life.'"
   


3. 




Did you hear that all the toilets at the police station were stolen? 

Yeah...the cops got nothing to go on.

4. 




"Doctor, doctor!" shouted the woman coming into the doctors offfice.  "I
think I'm turning into a man"  then the doctor says,  " Now hold on
little lady  what makes you think that you're turning into a man?"  "
Well" said the woman "I'm starting to grow hair on my chest" and then
the  doctor asked, " Well then, how far down your chest is your hair
growing? " and then she replied,  "All the way down to my dick".

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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