Today's jokes [10.11.12]
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A redneck calles up the White House and tells the receptionist:
"I'd like to become the next President of the United States."
The receptionist: "What are you, an idiot?"
Redneck: "Why, is it required?"
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be
judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he
could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and
God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the
only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500
pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and
enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an
eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman,
pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead.
Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with.
When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on,
and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and
scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more
then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding
and figured that as long as they have to be with these women,
they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking
along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could
have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this
man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel /
centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and
in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with
this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these
Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining.
This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm
dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope
for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem
to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and
murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"
A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an
incredible set of jugs.
He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets
He's really embarrassed...
The guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all make Freudian
slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to
say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said, 'You
fucking bitch, you wrecked my life.'"
Did you hear that all the toilets at the police station were stolen?
Yeah...the cops got nothing to go on.
"Doctor, doctor!" shouted the woman coming into the doctors offfice. "I
think I'm turning into a man" then the doctor says, " Now hold on
little lady what makes you think that you're turning into a man?" "
Well" said the woman "I'm starting to grow hair on my chest" and then
the doctor asked, " Well then, how far down your chest is your hair
growing? " and then she replied, "All the way down to my dick".
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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