Today's jokes [1.9.12]
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What do Viagra And DisneyLand have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour
waiting for a two minute ride!!
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat.
Test Yourself: Are You a Neanderthal?
As you know, Neanderthal man may have interbred with modern man. His
descendants are with us even today, passing for full-blooded Homo Sapiens.
If you suspect a "touch of the old hand ax" in your ancestry, score yourself
on this test:
1. Do your eyebrows meet in the middle? If so, give yourself five points.
2. Can you lock your knees in an upright position? If not, take five
3. Got a chin? If the answer is no, add three points.
4. How about a forehead? If not, add another three points.
5. Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head? Then give yourself
6. Do you ever open Coke bottles with your teeth? If you do, add ten
7. Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than sitting
in a chair? Take five points.
8. Is your head attached vertically to your neck? If not, add one point for
every five degrees of slope.
9. Less than five feet tall? Add one point for every inch under.
10. If your lower arm is shorter than your upper arm, add one point for every
inch of difference.
11. Ditto for your lower and upper legs.
12. Pigeon-toed? Five points.
13. Have you ever felt like bashing a postal clerk with a club? You're
14. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough to hold
an apple? Add five points.
15. Do you regularly eat apples in this way? Add fifteen points.
16. Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not? Give
yourself ten points.
17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat?
Take five more points.
18. Is your nickname "Duke", "Butch", or "Animal"? Three points.
0-20 points: You are a virtually pure Homo sapiens. Feel free to build
bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world.
20-40 points: A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally
have spells of primitive behavior, crawling around on all
fours and whooping wildly. If you live in California, no one
40-60 points: You can still function quite well in the modern world, but
avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give
60-80 points: Your Pleistocene heritage is predominant. You should consider
a career in pro football.
80-100 points: Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is Grunt City; there is no
place for you in human society. Try running for public office
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then
they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to
eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and
told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders
and then exchanged sandwiches.
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother
was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off
the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy,
will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave
him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep
in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice
saying, "The big sissy."
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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