Today's Jokes  |  Archives  |  Lists  |  Random  |  Register  |  RandJoke on Your Page  
 


Today's jokes [1.4.12]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.


   Technical Night Before Christmas

   'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual
   Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic
   activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential,
   including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
   Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood
   burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure
   regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist
   among
   whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
   The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
   accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconcious visual
   hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically
   through their cerebrums.
   My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal had coverings,
   were
   about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon
   the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a
   cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity
   from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise
   source thereof.
   Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing
   this
   fenestration, nothing thereupon that the lunar brilliance without,
   reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline
   precipitation, might be said rival that of the solar meridian itself -
   thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a
   miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive
   specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged
   chauffeur
   so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly
   apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller.
   With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have
   been
   more vertignious velocity than patriotic alar predators, he
   vociferated
   loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and
   addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now
   Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost level of
   our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the
   concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal
   extremities.
   As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was
   performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -
   with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by wary of the
   smoke passage.
   He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from
   oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls
   thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to
   the
   plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodius
   cloth receptacle.
   His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
   submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
   amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal
   appurtenance
   were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the
   former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the
   latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry.
   His amusing sub and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common
   loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like
   small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water. Clenched firmly
   between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes forming a
   tenuous elllipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative
   seasonal circlet of holly.
   His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly
   mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of
   impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in
   short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian
   gnome,
   the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite
   every effort to refrain from so being.
   By rapidly lowering and than elevating one eyelid and rotating his
   head
   slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was
   groundless.
   Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
   aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned
   articles of merchandise extracted from the aforementioned previously
   dorsally transported cloth receptacle.
   Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt aboutface,
   placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory
   organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and
   forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke
   passage.
   He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance,
   directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral
   sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar
   aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing
   portions of a common weed.
   But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to
   his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide
   to
   the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my
   sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly
   pleasurable period between sunset and dawn.


1. 




A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked
   little Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."
   
   "Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"
   
   "He went blue, held his chest and moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and
   collapsed."
   


2. 




Little Johnny was sitting on the bench in the park.
Suzie comes along chomping on her bubblegum. 
Suzie asked, "You wanna play doctor?" 
Johnny replied, "NO, that too old fashioned.
Spit out you gum, I wanna play president."

3. 




AGE        DRINK
        17         Wine Coolers
        25         White wine
        35         Red wine
        48         Dom Perignon
        66         Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

4. 




   In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly
   confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot
   the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he
   could.
   
   The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a
   very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
   
   Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in
   rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and
   exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
   
   The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet
   short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced
   around, somewhat confused.
   
   Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God,
   for the food I'm about to receive...."
   


5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.

But wait! Don't forget to read

Today's Stories
Today's Poems
Today's Quotes
Today's Funny Pic

 January '12 Jokes Issues:
S  M  T  W  Th F  St
1  2  3  4  5  6  7  
8  9  10 11 12 13 14 
15 16 17 18 19 20 21 
22 23 24 25 26 27 28 
29 30 31 

Jump to  



For any questions or comments email us at info@jokes2go.com
Copyright© SpekGY, Inc, 1998-2016. All rights reserved.