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Today's jokes [1.29.12]

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A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs.
 She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect
it. As  she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very
embarrassed,  she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed
her little accident  and hopes a sales person does not pop up at that
moment. As she turns back,  standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, she asks,
"Sir,  how much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit in
your  pants when you hear what the price is."

1. 




Q: Mommy, Mommy! Why don't I have a big thing like Daddy's between my legs?
A: You will when you're older, Lucy!


2. 




A guy says to a salesgirl, "I want to buy some toilet paper."
She says, "What color?"
He says, "Just give me white. I'll color it myself." 


3. 




A Britt in South Africa was enjoying a ride in his European car when an
American zoomed by in a Corvette.

The Britt cursed, while the Corvette disappeared in the distance. The
American chap however saw an Afrikaner struggling uphill on his stripped
peddle bike. Just the bare essentials and a large bell, thats all the poor
guy had.

He stopped and offered the Afrikaner a lift. "No thank you sir here in
South Africa we don't sit in a car with white folks."

"In that case let me towe you up hill."

They agreed and the Corvette slowly pulled the Afrikaner up hill. Just then
the Britt passed him in his white European car B Leland, no less, and stuck
his middle finger in the air and waved menacingly. The American got mad,
forgot he was towing the Afrikaner, and took off like a lightning bolt.

Going down hill they spotted a Police Car and slowed down some. The Trooper
yanked his mike from the holder and shouted. "Look out for a white British
B Leland followed by a Corvette and an Afrikaner behind ringing the bell
trying to pass both. Lock him up."

4. 




   The three dwarves were in rome and went to the nearest nunnery. They
   got to talk to the
   mother superior.
   "Excuse us, but can you tell us where the dwarf nuns are?"
   "Sorry", she replies, "but there are no dwarf nuns here".
   "Well, are there any in the city?".
   "No, there are no dwarf nuns".
   "What, none anywhere in Europe?"
   "No, little man". "None in the entire world". "Take my word for it".
   At this 6 of the seven dwarves burst out laughing.
   The Mother Superior asks "What's so funny?". "Dopey just fucked a
   penguin".
   


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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