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Today's jokes [1.28.12]

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A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children,
trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration.
With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice
stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.
Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers,
more flavors than you could ever imagine.

"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these,"
announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify
the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher
had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one
of the children was stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your
Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth
and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!" 

1. 




"I think Rover is getting a bit old, he seems to be going deaf."
"Bullshit, watch this...Rover sit! Oh dear, you're right, I'll get
the shovel and clean it up!"

2. 




    NEW ELEMENTS ON THE PERIODIC TABLE 

   Element: WOMAN 
   Symbol: Wo
   Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less)
   Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may
   freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not
   used well.
   Chemical properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold,
   silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able
   to absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when
   placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly.
   Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for
   disintegration of wealth. Probably the single most powerful income
   reducing agent known.
   Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
   Element: MAN 
   Symbol: XY
   Common Name(s): Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*!
   Atomic Weight: 180 +/-100 Physical Properties: Solid at room
   temperature, but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and
   sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging
   samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh
   samples.
   Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get.
   Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when
   mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time. Neutralize
   by saturating with alcohol.
   Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able
   to produce large quantities on command.
   Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and
   begins to smell.


3. 




Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink
orders.


The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed
before him.  The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like
drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by
a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"


The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."



4. 




"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the 
other. "I'm filing for an divorce."

"Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?"

"I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first.

"Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't 
see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin."

"It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five 
years ago."

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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