Today's jokes [1.22.12]
Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.
The Italian colonel had his brigade arrayed in full parade dress, proudly
ready for inspection by the general. That worthy warrior strolled back and
forth before the troops, and sniffed and stopped abruptly. "Colonel!" he
spat out. "Yes, general!" the colonel quavered. "Your troops, your
troops," stormed the general. "They look very nice, they stand very nice,
but they stink, man, they stink! Can't you get them to change their
He strode away furiously. The colonel sniffed for himself. "The general,
yes, he's right. Now, Luigi change with Guiseppi, Carlo change with
An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his
neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he
looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared
out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband
wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop fucking his
wife." "So stop," the barkeep said. "I can't," the womanizer
replied, taking a long swill. "The prick didn't sign his name!"
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The
woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they
couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny.
The husband then donated some of his skin..... however, the only place
suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks.
The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all
this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's
new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All
her friends and relatives just raved about her youthful beauty!
She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for
what he had done. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for
everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!"
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every
time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"
Two cows were talking in the field one day.
First Cow: Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?
Second Cow: Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?
While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke
decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone
by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink
and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.
The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her
flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it.
Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a
cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to
find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of
matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another
man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your
husband?" he inquires nervously.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.
Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her
face and replies, "That's me before the operation."
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.
Today's StoriesToday's PoemsToday's QuotesToday's Funny Pic
S M T W Th F St
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
29 30 31