Today's jokes [1.22.12]

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The Italian colonel had his brigade arrayed in full parade dress, proudly 
ready for inspection by the general. That worthy warrior strolled back and 
forth before the troops, and sniffed and stopped abruptly. "Colonel!" he 
spat out. "Yes, general!" the colonel quavered. "Your troops, your 
troops," stormed the general. "They look very nice, they stand very nice, 
but they stink, man, they stink! Can't you get them to change their 
underwear?"
He strode away furiously. The colonel sniffed for himself. "The general, 
yes, he's right. Now, Luigi change with Guiseppi, Carlo change with 
Giovanni..." 

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his 
neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he
looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared
out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband
wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop fucking his
wife." "So stop," the barkeep said. "I can't," the womanizer
replied, taking a long swill. "The prick didn't sign his name!"

   There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The
   woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they
   couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny.
   
   The husband then donated some of his skin..... however, the only place
   suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks.
   
   The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all
   this was a very delicate matter!
   
   After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's
   new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All
   her friends and relatives just raved about her youthful beauty!
   
   She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for
   what he had done. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for
   everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!"
   
   He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every
   time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"
   

Two cows were talking in the field one day.

First Cow: Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?
Second Cow: Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it? 

While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke 
decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone 
by the bar.  To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink 
and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. 

The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her 
flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. 

Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a
cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to 
find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of 
matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another 
man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your 
husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.
Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her 
face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

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