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Today's jokes [1.21.12]

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    Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to
   the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands
   in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the
   green.
   Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the
   fairway and lands in the water trap.
   Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The
   old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over
   the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls
   into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.As the
   fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and
   grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a
   lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the
   eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out
   of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
   Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop
   fooling around, we won't bring you next time."


1. 




A ventriloquist was driving in the country when he was attracted to a
large farm. He asked for and was given a tour.
As he was shown through the barn, the ventriloquist thought he'd have
some fun. He proceeded to make one of the horses talk.
The hired hand, wide-eyed with fear, rushed from the barn to the
farmer. "Sam," he shouted, "those animals are talking! If that sheep
says anything about me, it's a damned lie!" 

2. 




Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the
largest animal to roam the lands.  Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen 
bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits.  
Madam, please don't stand near the elephant's backside.... Madam, PLEASE 
don't stand near the elephant's backside ... MADAM ... MADAM ..., too 
late;  George, dig her out."

3. 




What was Moby Dick's father's name?

                      Papa Boner. 

4. 




An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed
the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and
get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if
everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one
lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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