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Today's jokes [1.19.12]

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    A judge asked a defendant to please stand. "You are
   charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out in
   the audience a man shouted, "Lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!",
   the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and
   said, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
   "Tightwad!", blurted the man again. "Quiet!", yelled the judge who
   continued, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an
   electric drill." "Son of a..." the man started to shout when the judge
   thundered back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right
   now, I will hold in contempt!" So the man answered, "I've lived next
   to that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool
   when I needed to borrow one!"


1. 




What is the proper weight for an attorney?

About 3 pounds, .......not counting the urn!



2. 




Q: Why couldn't the blond pass her drivers test? 

A: Every time the car stopped she jumped in the backseat. 

3. 




Language Trends of the Future



There are consistent trends in the past evolution of languages, and in
all likelihood they will continue to change in the same fashion in the
future.

In 200 years, spoken French will have only one sound, a vowel.  All
consonants and gaps between words and sentences will disappear, leaving
only an extended "Eauuuuuuuuuuuu..."  Meaning will be inferred from
facial expression.  Written French will stay exactly the same.

These consonants will not be entirely forgotten; they will migrate
to Czechoslovakia, which will by that time have no use for vowels.

In 200 years, the English vocabulary will be the union of all other
vocabularies, but the spelling will be original.

Similarly, the Japanese alphabet will be the union of all other
alphabets in the world.

The Cyrillic alphabet will eventually be the same as the Latin
alphabet, only backwards.  A mirror will suffice for translating
Russian into Polish.

Finally, in 200 years, entire books in Germany will be one word.  Plus
a verb at the end, of course.

[From Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@xerox.com]



4. 




A Scottish cop was asked how he'd break up a crowd.

He answered, "I'd take up a collection!"

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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