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Today's jokes [1.17.12]

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                  Politically Correct Feminine Terminology
     
   
from aperreat@saunix.sau.edu:

        Have you ever wanted to talk about a girl but was afraid that you
would offend the person standing near you?...NOT.   Well, if you are, then
here are some alternatives to some popular phrases.

I found them on a poster, but I don't remember which one.

She is not:                     An airhead
She is:                         Reality Impaired

She is not:                     A Bleached Blond
She is:                         Peroxide Dependant

She is not:                     A babe or chick
She is:                         A Breasted American

She does not have:              Major league hooters
She is:                         Pectorally Superior

She does not have:              A Great Tan
She is:                         Pigmentally Enhanced

You do not want to:             Score or pick her up
You want to:                    Attempt a Horizontal Encounter

She is not:                     A perfect 10
She is:                         Numerically Superior

She does not have:              A great butt
She has:                        A Superior Posterior

If she does not want to get:    Married or hitched
She does not want:              Domestic Incarceration

She is not:                     Half naked
She is:                         Wardrobe Impaired

She does not have:              A perfect body
She is:                         Anatomically Gifted

She is not:                     Drunk or tipsy
She is:                         Chemically Inconvenienced

She is not:                     Small or short
She is:                         Vertically Challenged
  


1. 




A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a 
rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and 
said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."

2. 




The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a 
pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following 
sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to 
be delivered at your earliest convenience."

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word 
mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so 
that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for 
two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new 
word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he 
deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone 
knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he 
typed. "Please send us two of them."

3. 




A man was driving from New York to San Francisco.  He got as far as
Cleveland, when he realized he was getting terribly horny.  So he looked 
up a house of ill repute and took care of the problem.  Immediately, a 
severe guilt reaction set in, so he went to confession.  For penance, he 
was told to say 10,000 Hail Mary's.  So he went on driving and praying.
By the time he got through with the 10,000 Hail Mary's, he was approaching
San Francisco.  Suddenly he realized he was terribly horny.
So he looked up a house of ill repute, and had an orgy.  Again there was a
severe guilt reaction, so he went to confession.  It was an old Irish 
priest who said, "For penance say three Hail Mary's".  The man said, 
"What??  In Cleveland, I had to say 10,000 Hail Mary's for the same thing.  
Father replied quietly, "Sure now, and what would they know about fucking 
in Cleveland?".

4. 




Preserving the Egg of Life



Obviously, Football is a syndrome of religious rites symbolizing the
struggle to preserve the Egg of Life through the rigors of impending
winter.  The rites begin at the Autumn Equinox and culminate on the
first day of the New Year, with great festivals identified with bowls
of plenty.  The festivals are associated with flowers such as roses;
fruits such as oranges; farm crops such as cotton; and even sun-worship
and appeasement of great reptiles such as alligators.

In these rites, the Egg of Life is symbolized by what is called
"The Oval", an inflated bladder covered with hog skin.  The convention
of "The Oval" is repeated in the architectural oval-shaped design of
the vast outdoor churches in which the services are held every sabbath
in every town and city.  Also every Sunday in the greater centers of
population where an advanced priesthood performs.  These enormous
churches dominate every college campus; no other edifice compares in
size with them, and they bear witness to the high spiritual development
of the culture that produced them.

Literally millions of worshipers attend the sabbath services in these
open-air churches.  Subconsciously, these hordes are seeking an outlet
from sexual frustration in anticipation of violent masochism and sadism
about to be enacted by a highly trained priesthood of young men.  Football
obviously arises out of the Oedipus complex.  Love of mother dominates
the entire ritual.  (Notre Dame and Football are synonymous).

The rites are preformed on a green rectangular area  orientated to the
four directions.  The green area, symbolizing Summer, is striped with
ominous white lines representing the knifing snows of Winter.  The
white stripes are repeated in the ceremonial costumes of the four
whistling monitors who control the services through a time period
divided into four quarters, symbolizing the four Seasons.

The ceremony begins with colorful processions of musicians and semi-nude
virgins who move in and out of ritualized patterns.  This excites the
thousands of worshipers to rise from their seats, shout frenzied poetry
in unison and chant ecstatic anthems through which runs the Oedipus
theme of willingness to die for the love of mother.

The actual rites, performed by 22 young priests of perfect physique,
might appear to the uninitiated as a chaotic conflict concerned only
with hurting the Oval by kicking it, then endeavoring to rescue and
protect the Egg.

However, the procedure is highly stylized.  On each side there are
eleven young men wearing colorful and protective costumes.  The group
in so-called "possession" of the Oval first arrange themselves in an
egg-shaped "huddle," as it is called, for a moment of prayerful
meditation and whispering of secret numbers to each other.

Then they rearrange themselves with relation to the position of the
Egg.  In a typical "formation" there are seven priests "on the line,"
seven being a mystical number associated not, as Jung purists might
contend, with the "seven last words" but actually, with sublimation
of the "seven deadly sins" into "the seven cardinal principles of
education."

The central priest crouches over the Egg, protecting it with his
hands, while over his back quarters hovers the "Quarterback."  The
transposition of "back quarters" to "quarterback" is easily
explained by the Adler School.  To the layman the curious posture
assumed by the "Quarterback," as he hovers over the central priest,
immediately suggests the Cretan origins of Mycenaean animal art,
but this popular view is untenable.  Actually, of course, the
"quarter-back" symbolizes the libido, combining two instincts,
namely, a) Eros, which strives for even closer union, and b) the
instinct for destruction of anything which lies in the path of Eros.
Moreover, the "pleasure-pain" excitement of the hysterical
worshipers focuses entirely on the actions of the libido-quarter-back.
Behind him are three priests representing the male triad.

At a given signal, the Egg is passed by sleight-of-hand to one of
the members of the triad who endeavors to move it by bodily force
across the white lines of Winter.  This procedure up and down the
enclosure, continues through the four quarters of the ritual.

At the end of the second quarter, implying the Summer Slostice, the
processions of musicians and semi-nude virgins are resumed.  After
forming themselves into pictograms representing alphabetical and
animal fetishes, the virgins perform a most curious rite requiring
far more dexterity than the earlier phallic Maypole rituals from
which it seems to be derived.  Each of the virgins carries a wand
of shining metal which she spins on her fingertips, tosses playfully
into the air, and with which she interweaves her body in most
intricate gyrations.

The virgins perform another important function throughout the entire
service.  This concerns the mystical rite of "conversion" following
success of one of the young priests in carrying the Oval across the
last white line of Winter.  As the moment of "conversion" approaches,
the virgins kneel at the edge of the rectangle, bury their faces in
the earth, then raise their arms to heaven in supplication, praying
that "the uprights will be split."  "Conversion" is indeed a
dedicated ceremony.



5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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