Today's jokes [1.15.12]

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A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession: 
"Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and 
told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said
that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates."
"BASTARD!" cried the Mother Superior. "For years he told me it was 
Gabriel's trumpet and I have been blowing it." 

How can you tell if a FAX was sent by a blonde? 

It has a stamp on it. 

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached
   a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she
   move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde
   replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm
   not moving."
   Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the
   co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her
   to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde
   replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm
   not moving."
   The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he
   should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how
   to handle this."
   He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.
   She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to
   herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"
   Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to
   her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told
   her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

Dentist: "Would you help me out? I'd like you to
give a few of your loudest screams." 
Patient: "Why, Doc? It isn't all that bad this time." 
Dentist: "Well, there are about 20 people in the
waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss
the five o'clock Braves game on Channel 4." 

Did you hear about the Jewish doctor who gave a patient six months to live?
When the patient couldn't pay, the doctor gave him another six months. 

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