Today's jokes [1.14.12]

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   One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go
   home and think of a story to tell, and then conclude the moral of that
   story.
   
   The following day when the teacher asks for the first volunteer to
   tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.
   
   "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the
   truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday
   we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the
   road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies,
   "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
   
   Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
   take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only
   8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the
   story. Lucy replies, "Don't count your chickens before they're
   hatched."
   
   Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his
   plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it
   crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the
   way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in
   the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine
   gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed
   20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten
   with his bare hands."
   
   Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any
   moral to his story.
   
   Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
   

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and
famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading:
"George and the Dragon."
     He knocked.
     The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.
     "Could ye spare some victuals?"
     The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
     "Could I have a pint of ale?"
     "No!" she shouted.
     "Could I at least use your privvy?"
     "No!" she shouted again.
     The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
     "What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
     "D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

An old man and an old lady are getting
ready for bed one night when all of a
sudden the woman bursts out of the
bathroom, flings open her robe and yells:
"Super Pussy!"

The old man says: "I'll have the soup."

One night a police officer named Mike was working the grave-yard shift and 
he drove to his house around 3 A.M. in the morning.  He opened the door to 
the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark ,and got in bed 
with his wife.  Then she said ,"Honey, can you go over to the Drug Store 
and pick me up some Asprin?"  The husband said yes, got dressed in the 
dark, and walked over to the Drug Store.
When he got to the Drug Store, he got the Asprin and went up to the desk 
so that the clerk could ring it up.  Then when he got up there, the clerk 
asked,"Say, Aren't you Mike This-and-That?"
Mike answered him and said, "Yes I am."
Then the clerk looked puzzled and asked, "Well, aren't you a police 
officer?"
And again Mike replied yes.
Then the clerk asked,"Then why are you dressed like the fire chief?"

Sent by Tyler

Mom took little johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doc. said, how did such a thing happen?   Johnny said,  "It's 
that damn neighbor girl, Suzy.   Her braces are too darned 
sharp."

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