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Today's jokes [1.11.12]

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It seems that Ken Starr is dropping all sexual allegations against 
President Clinton. It all stems from the Paula Jones case. The 
spokesperson remarked that it would be impossible for a woman with
a six inch nose to give a blow job to a person with a three inch dick.



1. 




How does a women hold her liquor?

By the ears.

2. 




MICHAEL KENNEDY

   What's the difference between John Denver and Michael Kennedy?
   John Denver made it alive out of Aspen.
   Has Elton John re-written any of his songs for Michael Kennedy?
   Not yet, but he's done one about the tree: "I'm Still Standing"
   How can you be sure that Michael was really a Kennedy?
   Check the family tree.
   A simple accident? Some witnesses insist there was a second tree at
   the
   snow-covered knoll...
   What do Michael and JFK Jr's magazine "George" have in common?
   Wood pulp.
   New bumper sticker...."Plant A Tree....Kill A Kennedy...."
   What will it take to reunite the four Kennedy brothers?
   A1: One more bullet.
   A2: A season lift pass.


3. 




A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes 
in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to 
the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in 
the row ahead, intently watching the movie.  It even seemed to be enjoying 
the movie:  wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the 
sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits.  After the 
movie, the man approaches the dogs owner,
"Jeez mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie.  I'm amazed!"
"Yes, I'm amazed also," came the reply.  "He hated the book."

4. 




   A case for the Third Universal Cardinal Rule of Thumb: Never
   be absolute, unless absolutely necessary:
   A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In
   English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some
   languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a
   negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can
   form a negative."
   A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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