Today's stories [9.13.11]
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Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate
my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth
was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury
and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could
think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to
adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem,
but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my
wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! The garbage disposal is
dead. Come reset it."
"You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-
patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
(Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement
about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched
down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last
action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it
wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was
our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between
my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took
the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable,
she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while
rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a
kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced
with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only
the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly
impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully
briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their
work while suppressing hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept
silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about.
"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.
Chicago --30-year-old Emad Haddad was shot and killed Friday
afternoon after chasing two men who'd robbed his store-Sunburst
Food and Liquors-on Chi-Town's bright and glamorous 79th Street.
According to cops, two gents toting semi-auto pistols robbed the
store's registers. Witnesses say Emad The Genius (as he will be
remembered) ran after the men with a two-shot derringer and took
a shot at 'em. They returned the favor with a hail of bullets.
Haddad was struck in the head and died on the spot.
U.S. Lawmaker Says He Is Worried About E-Mail Pregnancy
Citing the case of a woman who claims she got pregnant from
e-mail, an Ohio Democrat called Wednesday for a "chastity
chip" for the Internet. Rep. James Traficant, known for his
flamboyant rhetoric, gave a brief floor speech about a woman
named Frances who claimed to have gotten pregnant through an
e-mail exchange with a paramour 1,500 miles away. "That's right
-- pregnant," he proclaimed, warning of the dangers of
"immaculate reception." He called on Congress to go beyond
"v-chips" that would protect kids from sexual content on the
Internet, saying, "Its time for Congress to act. The computers
do not need a v-chip. The Internet needs a chastity chip."
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