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Today's jokes [9.9.11]

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The Perfect Day - Her

    8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
    9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
    9:30 Light Breakfast
    11:00 Sunbathe
    12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
    1:45 Shopping
    2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
    3:00 Facial, massage, nap
    7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
    10:00 Make love
    11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms 

The Perfect Day - Him

    6:45 Alarm.
    7:00 Shower and massage.
    7:30 Blowjob.
    7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
    8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
    8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
    9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
    11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
    12:30 Blowjob.
    12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
    2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
    3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew
         (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue
         Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six
         Heinekens, nap.
    6:15 Blowjob.
    6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
    7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
    8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary
         and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves
         graphic pictures and large farm animals).
    9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare),
         Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963
         (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
    10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
    11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab
          and leave.
    Midnight Blowjob
    Sleep 

1. 




What's black and crispy and comes on a stick?

                         Joan of Arc.

2. 




Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of 
the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as 
far away from humanity as possible. 

Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. 
Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. 

After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner one 
day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, 
bearded man standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles 
over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come." 

"Great," says Sam, "after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some local 
folks. Thank you." 

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some 
drinking." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I 
can drink with the best of 'em." 

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some 
fightin' too." Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with 
people. I'll be there. Thanks again." 

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these 
parties, too." "Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "Remember I've been 
alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I 
wear?" 

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be 
the two of us."

3. 




Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is
both male and female."
This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless,
"Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this Little Johnny’s face lights up with understanding and he 
triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"

4. 




A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd
   scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.
   To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu.
   Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her,
   "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
   "No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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