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Today's jokes [9.8.11]

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Q: Why do women bleed and get cramps every month?
A: Because they deserve it.


1. 




How can you tell if your girlfriend is frigid? 

     When you open her legs the lights go on 

2. 




A Polish family is sitting in the living room.

The wife turns to the husband and says, "Let's send the kids 
out back to p-l-a-y , so we can fuck."

3. 




A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who  signed the

Declaration of Independence?"  He said, "Damn if I know."  She was a little

put out by his swearing, so she told him  to go home and to bring his

father with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son,

sat in the back of  the room to observe.  She started back in on her quiz

and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who

signed the Declaration of Independence?" "Well, hell, teacher," Johnny

said, "I told you I didn't  know." The father jumped up in the back,

pointed a stern finger at  his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that

damn thing, hell, you damn well better admit it!"

Sent by Kelly

4. 




There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot
summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big
bundle of wire.
"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?"
"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's
chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"
"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at
the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens
caught in his chicken wire. 
Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid
comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape. 
"Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?" "Well, this
here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch
me some ducks!"
"You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" the farmer yells back. "Sure I
can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end
of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a
whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape. 
The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes
walking down the road carrying a stick. 
"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?"
"Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow."

"Hang on," the farmer says, "I'll get my hat." 

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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