Today's jokes [9.5.11]
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One day Pete was complaining to his friend "my elbow hurts. I better
see a doctor". His friend said "Don't do that. There's a computer in
the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper
than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and
it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It
only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine
sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in
the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird
nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small
slip of paper printed. It said:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water,
avoid heavy labor,
it will be better in two weeks.
Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete
began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masterbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and
deposited $10.00. The machinhe again made the usual noise and printed out
the following analysis:
Your water is hard,
get a softener.
Your dog has worms,
get him shots.
Your daughter's using cocaine,
get her into a rehab clinic.
Your wife's pregnant,
it's not yours,
get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off,
Your tennis elbow will never get better!
Two So-Cal guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in
court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and
I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to
go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them
to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
| | O
\ _ /
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this
(small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the
small circle and told them, "this is your asshole before prison......"
TOP TEN PROPOSED NEW DOMAINS
Earlier this week, Gregory Nemitz and a handful of space enthusiasts proposed creating special
domains, including ".luna" and ".moon," for Web sites based on the moon. He wasn't kidding:
And one of our "Ten laws the Net needs" involves a special ".xxx" domain for pornographic
sites. But why stop there? Here are some new proposed domains, and what you can expect from
the sites in them:
10. ".trek"--contains audio files of William Shatner
9. ".bill"--Microsoft has bought this company
8. ".love"--for people who would rather cuddle
7. ".slow"--based in a distant country with no T3 lines
6. ".geek"--assumes you know what all the acronyms mean
5. ".404"--we stopped maintaining our servers in 1996
4. ".y2k"--contains theories about the end of the world
3. ".burn"--huge multimedia files will crash your computer
2. ".*"--contains allegations about President Clinton's sex life
1. ".duh"--explains, in detail, stuff you already know
Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in
walks a Nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat.
Astonished, one of them says, "I went to my parents wedding last week and
we all got rat-arsed."
Being quick on the uptake the second one says, " My dad says he will marry
my mum next year."
Despite this the Nun stays right where she is.
In desperation the third one says, " My old man will never ever marry my
The Nun looks up from her food and says, " Would one of you bastards
please pass the salt."
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table
watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap
dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy
the duck from its owner. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for
$10000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs
back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot
before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked
the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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