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Today's jokes [9.30.11]

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Did you hear about the woman who only had two chances to get pregnant?

She blew them both...

1. 




While attending a spelling session in school one day,
The teacher asked if anyone could spell the word DUMB?
Darla raises her hand and says "I can, I can"
The teacher replies, "OK, go ahead Darla..."
Darla replies..."D-U-M-B"
The teacher replies, "very good", and "can you use that word in a sentence?"
Darla replies, "Sure, Buckwheat is very DUMB."
The teacher replies, "OK, well can anyone spell the word STUPID?"
Again, Darla raises her hand, and the teacher replies, "OK, go ahead Darla."
Darla replies, "S-T-U-P-I-D"
The teacher replies "very good", and "can you use that word in a sentence?"
Darla replies, "Sure, Buckwheat is very STUPID."
The teacher replies, "OK, well lets continue,  can anyone spell the word DICTATE?"
No one raises their hand, so the teacher asks Buckwheat if he can spell
the word DICTATE?
Buckwheat replies, "Sure,    D-I-C-T-A-T-E"
The teacher replies, "very good Buckwheat," and "can you use that word
in a sentence?"
Buckwheat replies, "Sure I can."     
"I may be DUMB and I may be STUPID, but Darla says my DICTATE good."

2. 




One day a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stall. While he 
was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He 
stood up to look over, and there was little Jimmy, sitting on the toilet 
masturbating.
The priest was shocked. He told Jimmy that he knew what he was doing in 
there and that he should save it for marriage.
Little Jimmy agreed to this only because it was coming from a priest. 
About a week later the priest ran into Jimmy at the mall and asked him how 
he was doing with his problem.
Jimmy replied "Great father, I've saved a whole quart!" 

3. 




Stress-Relieving Prayer



Lord,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And, help me to be careful
Of the toes I step on today as they
May be connected to the ass
That I might have to kiss tomorrow.

                 Amen.



4. 




Did you know there are serial number on condoms.........No?.

I guess you didn't roll them down far enough.

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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