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Today's jokes [9.3.11]

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The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman 
couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the 
room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at 
her. 

When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a 
. . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me 
you'll keep it a secret."

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind 
of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, 
decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A 
certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "

The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!"

"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the 
door . . ."

"Yes yes!"

"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"

1. 




A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. 
He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

2. 




Seven friends once pulled this at my college cafeteria.
One put a hot water bottle filled with pea soup down his chest;
he sat at the head of a table, with the other six friends
sitting along the sides.
When the cafeteria was pretty full of people,
he made a loud noise (to attract attention),
stood up, bent over and squeezed his chest.
This caused a huge gush of green liquid to spew all over the table;
the other six immediately began to eat this green liquid.
I think a lot of food went uneaten that night.



3. 




On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to 
change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all 
showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband 
says, "my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is 
astonished.  "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are 
so beautiful, let me take your picture."
  
Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?"
  
He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to 
my heart forever".
  
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into 
the bathroom to shower.
  
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do 
you wear a robe?  We are married now." at that the man opens 
his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a 
picture".
  
He beams and asks, "why?"
  
She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!

4. 




                   American University Grading Procedures
     
   
Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American
University grade their final exams:

DEPT OF STATISTICS:
 - All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
 - Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close
them and turn them in.  The professor opens the books  and
assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

DEPT OF HISTORY:
 - All students get the same grade they got last year.

DEPT OF RELEGION:
 - Grade is determined by God.

DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
 - What is a grade?

LAW SCHOOL:
 - Students are asked to defend their position of why they
should receive an A.

DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
 - Grades are variable.

DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
 - If and only if the student is present for the final and
the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student
will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
 - Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the
 instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp
 and flat respectively).

DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:
 - Everybody gets an A.
  


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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