Today's jokes [9.29.11]
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The teacher hears Little Johnny cussing, and gets pissed off.
She goes bitching to Little Johnny's father. She comes to
Little Johnny's house and sees Little Johnny fucking a goat
in the front yard.
She walks in the house and screams to his father "Your son!
Your son! He cussed in the school and now....now he's being
carnal with a goat in the front yard!"
Little Johnny's father goes running out the door yelling,
"Son of a bitch! Today is my turn!"
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San
Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he
discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is
so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop
owner the price.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an
extra thousand for the story behind it."
"At that price, you can keep the story, old man," he replies,
"but I'll take the bronze rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the
bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of
the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into
step behind him.
Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster,
but every time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and
follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a
hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and
shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as
multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and
abandoned cars... following him.
Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the
waterfront at the bottom of the hill he panics and starts to run
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing
hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the
time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve
blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamp post, grasping it
with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco
Bay as far as he can throw it.
Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in
amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater
into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah sir, you've come back for the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze
sculpture of a lawyer "
Did I tell you I had this woman pounding on my door all night last night?
Yeah, I finally let her out!
What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he had??
An ex-wife and a dead girl friend.
On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked
his bride to put them on. The waist alone was twice her body.
She said, "I can't wear your pants."
"That's right," intoned the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the
one who wears the pants in the family."
The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try it on.
"No way. I can't get into your panties." he said.
"That's right. And that's the way it'll be until you change your
attitude." she said and smiled.
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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