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Today's jokes [9.28.11]

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Attorney to witness: "What was the first thing your husband 
said to you when he woke up that morning?"

Witness: "Where am I Cathy?"

Attorney: "And why did that upset you?"

Witness: "Because my name is Susan."

1. 




A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right
thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits,
and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said
that he had discovered the main problem. 
He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand,
and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "this
is what your wife needs, at least once a day!" 
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, what
time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

2. 




Virus Alert



There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propogated through
the email system.  If you get an email message with the subject: "VIRUS
ALERT!" do not open the mail message.  If you do, the virus scrambles
the second half of every text file on your system.

VERY IMPORTANT:  If you do get this virus, the first thing dlkfjaid
dfdjas nairb gfdq40wt yaj  asdfsdg  dluog av da[agj asdfajpg as
dflasidffnm asd difvu asdfa vgoiae  vdsofj we dasdf 9efm sd dag0 g adf
jdl5gkj dkllj djf hsas9kaj kuieh nx3glkj gkdls kd li8siue ghkld hks1
as dg 0vbwe  ads gwefawe ads vewerwe dsf!

3. 




Tim Kelly was walking therough a dim passageway when someone
spoke to him. "Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled
figure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?"

Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages
and adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning
on a crutch.

"Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did
ye merely jump from the trestle?"

"It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of
it. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy
himself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand,
and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me."

"He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself,
Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?"

"Only Mrs. Murphy's ass," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thing
in itself, but not worth a dom in a fight." 

4. 




Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
Because women don't get blowjobs while they're driving.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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